is it just me?

At a house near mine that we drive by nearly every day, they are often giving away things for free. It is never anything I would want, but I have learned not to be astonished by what people will take when it is left for free on the street corner. And so, all the random crap they put out there inevitably disappears. But my favorite part is that they have a sign, made of posterboard and attached to a stake that says "Free Stuff (except sign)". I am not really sure who they think wants the sign, but apparently people really will take ANYTHING you leave on the street corner. Which is a good thing to remember the next time one of my dependents is driving me crazy.

At some point I realized that if there is someone I don't really care for and I can't figure out why, odds are that it is because they don't have a sense of humor. I cannot deal with people with no sense of humor. And I prefer people who have excellent senses of humor. I know, everyone SAYS that, but I think it is more important to me than the average person.

So, through email and facebook people can show you things that they think are funny. I like this because it sort of shows their true colors in terms of humor. Some people I am pleasantly surprised. And others, well, it turns out that their true color is beige. Oh well.

I can take a facebook quiz to tell me my chances of catching swine flu. I am sure it is really, really accurate.

tough times

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? We are lucky Chez Lizard because although my pay has been cut (thanks, State of Wisconsin!) I still have a job, as does Mr. Lizard. And we can still pay for our house and our food and our health insurance. So, you won't hear any complaints out of me. Apparently at least one of my neighbors (and lots of other people I know) are not so lucky:

The other day I came home to find an invitation to our neighborhood association meeting. I was quite sorry not to be able to attend, as I find super local politics very charming. However, included with the meeting notice was a brochure of services offered by our neighborhood association president. I sort of wish I could post it in its entirety so you could fully appreciate it, but instead I will recap.

It is a husband and wife team. The wife has a funny hyphenated last name which, as she says is pronounced like "of course we have met". What on earth. Anyway, it sounds like neither of them is working. This is a shame because she has THREE advanced degrees. That's right, three. She has 1) a Ph.D. in theatre, which strikes me as a very odd thing to get a Ph.D. in and is probably why she has 2) as master's in clinical psychology which seems like a good degree to have and does nothing to explain her having 3) a law degree. So, a Ph.D., a master's and a law degree and no job. Oi. He is a registered architect. So, with all that brain power and schooling they are now offering....babysitting services?

That's right! They babysit kids, seniors, pets and houses, according to them. Now, I think it is fine to fall back on basic skills, and I have no issue with that. What I do have issue with is this (a direct quote from their pricing structure):

One caring adult: $10/hr
Two caring adults: $16/hr
Newborn (0-3 months) +$2/hr
Each additional child +3/hr
Meal prep $1/child (+feed us)
Meal clean up $1/child (loading dishwasher, wiping table, etc)
Formula/bottle prep +$1/bottle
Taking kids to activities in your car +$1/kid/trip
Kids under 10 awake after 10pm +$2/hr
Meds and clean up +$ negotiable

Seriously, there is a list like this for every activity. And while I don't begrudge your right to make a living anyway you see fit, I don't think you should be trying to get rich babysitting. Let's see, for an average evening I would be paying $13/hr before they did, well, anything. I would pay $2 for them to feed my kids, $1 for el segundo's nighttime bottle, $2 to clean up the dinner plates, and $1 for el Segundo's medicine. So, I'm looking at about $60 for an evening out. On the other hand, a lovely, highly qualified college student will drive herself to my house, watch my kids, feed them, play with them, put away dishes and overall be of service for a hassle free $10/hr. And high school girls will do it for less than $7. And I won't have to do 15 minutes of math, after a 27 question survey, just to figure out how much to pay. Did you feed them? (+$1) Did you wash the plate? (+$1) Have you already made me forget how much fun I had away from my kids because I have to get out my calculator? (-$1zillion)

I am surprised they don't charge for stories read. +$1/per book. Songs sung? +$1/song. Putting on pajamas? +$1/per hand or foot inserted in clothing. Pulling up blankets? +$2 unless blankets are wool in which case +$3. They also chrage $20 to visit your cat for 15 minutes per day. What a bargain! They will tutor your high school student for $40/hr. Their son will mow your law for $20/hr.

Apparently the prices are negotiable, depending on how easy your kids are and whether or not they like you (I am paraphrasing, but seriously that's the gist of it). Oh, and they don't like to check email (though they list an email address) and they don't like their cell phones (but give you their numbers). Pretty much a bored lawyer with time on her hands went crazy creating this ridiculous contract, basically guaranteeing them that no one will hire them because it makes them seem like a huge pain in the ass to deal with. I am sure they are nice people and if I met them I might feel differently, but someone who's going to charge me $13/hr to babysit and then refuse to pick up my kid because she's over the 35lb limit is a no go in my book. But the name of their business is WE CARE. And I'm sure, deep down, they do.

1) if you have a picture of yourself and the accurate caption is "me at Applebee's" and it literally is JUST a picture of you at Applebee's and you are thinking of posting it on Facebook...don't.

2) If someone has a note on their door that says "Will return Oct. 27" do you really need to knock AND check that the door is locked before you decide they are not there?

3) Why do aerobics instructors insist on hearing you do things? "I can't hear you clapping!" Who gives a shit? Listen to the music and leave me alone. Group clapping is dumb anyway.

4) You know how people (myself included) often end email "If you have any question, please contact me?" Is it okay to contact them and say that your only question is "Why are you so stupid?" Or is that frowned upon?

I enjoy many foods that come in triangles, as they often seem to involve fried exteriors, but this time of year I am reminded of my favorite triangular delicacy, candy corn. I have quite an unhealthy fondness for those little tri-colored morsels. I mean, I love it. A lot. I could eat a lot of candy corn. However, eating candy corn is about as close as one can get to eating pure sugar. Perhaps Pixie Stix are closer, but really, candy corn is right up there. It is basically made up of nothing but sugar, and if that weren't enough it is then dyed suspicious colors, filled with things that make it stick together and last forever in a plastic bag (though its shelf life is never tested at my house) and that's it. In fact, here are the ingredients of my preferred brand (and you know I have a preferred brand): Sugar, Corn Syrup, Salt, Honey, Soy Protein, Gelatin, Confectioner's Glaze, Dextrose, Artificial Flavor, Titanium Dioxide Color, Yellow 6, Yellow 5, Red 3, Blue 1.
Titanium dioxide color? Yikes. But look at that, it's FIVE kinds of sugar, dye and chemicals. And yet it is sooooo tasty. So, I allow myself one bag of candy corn per year (the big bag) and usually eat it soon after Halloween candy hits the shelf because let's face it - I have been waiting a long time! The only downside is that I cannot eat it when Baby Liz is awake because she has supersonic hearing for any junk food wrappers, and eagle eyes for the packaging. And don't try to sneak one, because she will smell it on your breath and say "I smell something" and she is smart enough to know that what she smells is something very, very tasty and she will not rest until she has one of her own. And since I do not need my kid hepped up on FIVE! kinds of sugar at once, I eat them after she is sleeping. However, then mama is all hepped up on sugar. I really should not consume any sugar or caffeine after about 4pm. I can literally be lying awake at midnight and trace it back to a poorly timed fun size bag of m&ms I ate on my way out of work. Seriously. So, the result is I will be lying in my bed awake savoring happy memories of recently consumed candy corn for the next several days, until my bag runs out. However, it will be worth it. So, so worth it.

fashion forward? or backward?
as I have mentioned here many, many times, my workplace is not a bastion of good fashion. No, not at all. The only thing saving us from complete horribleness is the rare grad student who arrives with a sense of good taste. The other day I was walking down the hall, and one of said grad students was there in a pair of skinny jeans which actually looked really good (hate that) and a hip t-shirt. Blond hair, good accessories. Overall fashion thumbs up. Meanwhile, walking toward me was a new female professor in typical Madison chic which has a tendency to involve too much yoga/performance clothing, a heavy does of Merrells, the odd linen pant and some funky plastic glasses. And as I sat there I thought, am I more skinny jean or boxy linen? And the truth is it depends on the day, but I fear there are starting to be too many days when I am very Madison and not enough days when I am still kind of cool. I do console myself with the fact that I am better off than about 70% of the moms (and that is a conservative estimate) at her daycare. However, I cannot let that be an excuse to head to the dark side of comfortable, functional clothing. So if you see me on an off day just say "wisco, have some respect."

wash your hands
I know, it's flu season. And it is going to the the WORST FLU SEASON EVER. And you'd better have a plan for what you are going to do when we all start dropping dead from the flu, because it is coming. And it is going to be the WORST FLU SEASON EVER. Dude, I get it. I work on a college campus where students sneeze everywhere and don't wash their hands and live in close quarters and lick each other spread disease like crazy. And my kids are little petri dishes who go to daycare and lick toys and their friends and whatever. However, if one more person/sign/website/whatever tells me to wash my hands I am going to lose it. Enough, people.

Though, when the IT guy (you know, the one who comes in your office and touches your mouse and your computer?) admitted to me that he doesn't wash his hands ever, I immediately went out and bough Computer Repair for Dummies in order to achieve self sufficiency. And when the host of a weekend cookout admitted he was getting over "just a touch of the flu" and was about to cook my dinner I was not all that thrilled. I am not stupid. And my hands are clean. Now excuse me while I go lick something.

This just came in to my email inbox. It was sent to every single person affiliated with my department.

Hi All!

Who ever borrowed Mr. Broom from Room 405, please return it. Mr. Broom has work to do.

Thanks,

here are five things that don't make you better than me:

1. you eat fruit for dessert
2. you don't watch television
3. you ride your bike to work
4. you don't drink soda
5. you've read all the books on that dumb facebook list

so off your sanctimonious wagons, people. I'm over it.