is it just me?

It's snowing today. I know what you're thinking: it's February in Wisconsin. What do you expect? Surprisingly, we don't get that much snow. Or not nearly as much as I always assumed "Wisconsin" (wherever that is) got before I moved here, to the capital of all that is random about America. Anyway, it really doesn't snow that much. Um...until today. It is not just kind of snowing. I believe in is snowing multiple inches per hour. It is snowing in every possible direction. It is very windy. And, in an event I heretofore did not know was possible, the snow is accompanied by thunder and lightning. After rushing around getting ready, all the while wondering if I should actually go to work (schools are closed but not the University. They never, ever close the university. There could be a nuclear holocaust and you would still be expected to take your statistics exam), I decided to brave it. So I decided to go try to catch the bus, and there I stand, in the horizontal snow thinking "I could be in bed right now". After thinking that for a few minutes, I crossed the street to go home. But then I saw the bus. And you know what made me run and catch it to get to work? The shame of it all. Seriously. That is the world that I live in. Here it is a matter of pride that you actually show up even as the town is being buried. I am sure my bus will get stuck on the way home. It's almost inevitable. But everyone is here. And although I feel a small bit of pride that I, too, made it in to the office, I would really rather live somewhere where this kind of nonsense made everyone stay home where it's warm and drink cocoa and watch daytime tv. WHY? WHY did I feel compelled to prove my winter worthiness and come to work? what was I thinking? I need to move back to the southeast immediately.

One thing about the snow is that it makes me really judgemental about shoveling. This is kind of ironic because there is no sidewalk in front of my house, so it doesn't really apply to me. And my husband is from Minnesota which means he's good at shoveling so it is totally, 100% his job. I am not sure I have shoveled since I met him (which is, of course, as it should be. There have to be some benefits to marrying someone from Minnesota.) Despite that fact that I don't shovel and don't have a sidewalk, I was being quite harsh on my neighbors as I walked my dog around 7 am. I can tell you one thing: if I DID have to shovel a sidewalk, there is no way it would be done by 7 am. But this is Wisconsin. People get up early here. So they should have it clear by the time I am walking. And not some half-assed, virginia style one shovel-width path. No sir, the whole sidewalk in front of their entire property should be totally clear. I figured everyone around here had snow blowers, but that isn't really the case. Lots of people do it the old fashioned way. Which I admire. When done correctly and in a timely fashion. The bitch of it on a day like today is a lot of people did shovel this morning, lot of good it's doing them now. Several more inches have fallen, and it shows no sign of letting up in the least. And if they think I won't be checking up on them later today they're wrong.

I definitely need to move. If you have a room for rent in a warm climate please contact me.

Sake bombs

On Friday night I went to one of my favorite sushi restaurants for dinner. There’s actually a place where I like the sushi better but the atmosphere isn’t so good, so we picked the slightly nicer one. Or so we thought. We arrived and there were a lot of college kids in there eating. I am not sure where college kids get the money for sushi, but whatever. We are seated at a table just in front of a table of four boys who seem to be doing a lot of drinking and not much eating. Shortly after us, a table of four girls is also seated just behind us. After declaring “I am NOT taking off my shoes” despite a large sign that says “please take off your shoes to sit at this table” they sit down. All of a sudden we hear a bunch of clattering from the table of boys, and turn around to seem them pounding drinks in unison. Apparently, they are doing ‘sake bombs’ and from the looks of it they’re all the rage. You order a beer and a thing of sake. You place two chopsticks across the top of your beer glass, place a little glass full of sake on top. On cue, you pull the chopsticks, the sake glass falls into the beer and you pound it. The waiter walks by with a tray filled with beer and sake, and the girls proceed to do the same as the boys. This is, of course, simply a new take on an old tradition. Bombs have been around for a while. But I have a few objections to this incarnation. 1. I cannot believe it is delicious. I mean, maybe. But I doubt it. 2. It is a really, really expensive way to get wasted. When I was in college we were getting wasted on $5 pitchers, not some expensive concoction in a sushi restaurant. 3. I do not like good restaurants being ruined by wasted undergrads. This town is absolutely full of establishments that are made for binge drinking. All of you go there and leave the decent places to the rest of us. As if it weren’t enough, apparently part of the ritual is to bang on the table every time you do a bomb. This gets very tiresome very quickly.

I felt really bad for all the young Japanese women in their kimonos who have to work in this place. They thought they got jobs at a nice restaurant and now it’s just another booze hall. And I am sure they don’t tip appropriately on the hundreds of dollars they must be spending on alcohol. In the middle of dinner 16 (!) suspiciously tan young women, many carrying sorority bags, come in to “do some sake bombs for Pat’s birthday”. I am not even sure they were eating. They were just there, setting up their bombs, pounding on the table and downing them. It kind of ruined my meal. I don’t need to sit around and watch a bunch of spoiled kids get wasted. Honestly.

Party on, wayne

On Saturday night we had a party at our house. (Hey, if I am going to sit around with people getting wasted I might as well be at my own house.) It was a good time. Made even better by the fact that we served jello shots. (See, I am not so old and boring and opposed to a good time. I just like to do it on my own terms with people my own age.) They were the kind that you can actually cut up and eat with your hands (jigglers, for those of you who are big jello fans) and let me tell you – they were popular. A stunning combination of nostalgia and deliciousness. Two people have already told me they plan to serve them at their next party. So there. A few of our friends got very wasted (including one blackout which I think is definitely the sign of a good party if you're over 30) and I blame the jello shots. But I think they would all agree it was worth it.

Lock down

As I was using a public restroom the other night, staring at the door with this fear that at any second someone else could walk in I decided (or actually reminded myself that I decided long ago) that all public restroom locks (particularly those where it’s just one room like the bathroom at your house and ESPECIALLY if when sitting on the toilet you are facing the door) should have actually locks that you are sure are closed, not just those buttons you press on the door handle. I have never trusted those button locks. I don’t know how they work. I don’t like that you can’t hear them click. I find them suspicious. And I think they should be outlawed in public bathrooms. Because really, they don’t give me the peace of mind I need to comfortably use the restroom. They make me want to pee as fast as I can and get my pants back on for lord’s sake. So, if you own a restaurant (I am not sure who I think you people are, but just in case) put those nice, old fashioned metal locks where one side slides into a hole in the wall and you can be sure the door is locked. Trust me, people will thank you for it.

GO TEAM!

I think cheerleaders have become unnecessary. Now that even college stadiums have sounds systems and fancy lights and crazy scoreboards that show replays and weather reports, do we really need a bunch of college kids in doofy outfits jumping around telling us to yell? No one listens to them anyway. People cheer when the players do something good, not when the cheerleaders yell. I mean, I guess the flips are kind of fun. But at Duke the cheerleaders aren’t even allowed to do flips because someone got injured years ago and they outlawed stunts. So they are really boring to watch. I guess some if it is a nice spectacle, at timeouts when you’re bored. But in general I think we could do without them. I find them a bit pesky.

Last night I went to the Badger basketball game (where they killed Indiana – woo hoo!) and at halftime they walk out with this trunk. The announcer says “Ladies and gentlemen, we are proud to present….RUBBER BOY!” No kidding. And there was this weird little dude who appeared to have no ligaments (or whatever it is that keeps your limbs from bending every whichaway) stuffed into the box. He climbed out and proceeded to contort his body in truly frightening ways, stuffing himself through small things (like a squash racket and toilet seat) while really weird music played in the background. I feel sure he scared more than a few kids. The guy can actually look right at his own ass while walking on his hands. Crazy. Much better than cheerleaders, though I will certainly have nightmares about it for days to come.

I thought I was done with this post…

But then I received this email, with the subject “Former President Bill Klinton uses Voagra!”:

Everybody knows the great sexual scandal known as "Klinton-Levinsky".
After the relations like this Klintons popularity raised a lot!
It is a natural phenomenon, because Bill as a real man in order not to
shame himself when he was with Monica regularly used Voagra.
What happened you see. His political figure became more bright and more attractive.
It is very important for a man to be respected as a man!

Who are these people? Who cares. They provide me with hours of at home entertainment.

Yesterday, I was in step class. We had just come back from a little break, were starting to learn something new and I hear talking behind me. This is unusual, people don't usually talk in class. One because you are exercising and therefore perhaps a bit winded, and two because you are learning step combinations which require you to pay fairly close attention to both the teacher and your feet in an attempt to avoid total public humiliation. Anyway, I definitely hear talking. In Chinese. So I turn around and there is a woman talking on her cell phone WHILE DOING STEP. And I thought "now I have really seen everything". I have gotten kind of used to seeing girls on cardio machines on their phones. And I have almost recovered from the "talking on a cell phone while riding a scooter without a helmet in traffic" incident that I witnessed. But in a group aerobics class? It was good she was talking in Chinese because at least we could pretend that maybe, just maybe, she was doing something that absolutely could not wait, like renegotiating a hostage treaty or something. Better than us knowing she was just trying to find out what time the O.C. is on. But seriously. Hang up your fucking phone, or get out of the room. Honestly.

But although I thought I had seen it all, I was wrong. Because later that night, I witnessed the President of the United States WINKING during the State of the Union address. That's right. He looked at his poor pathetic pawn, the wife of some guy who was killed in Iraq and was planted in the audience for a good old fashioned feel good moment, and he winked at her. Now, I will be honest. I hate the President. I find him smarmy, smug, and generally unenjoyable. And I think he's making a real mess of things. But no matter what you think of him, there is absolutely positively no excuse for winking while making the State of the Union. None whatsoever. And now I have really seen it all. Until tomorrow.

Walking back from yoga today there were two guys walking behind me. One says "On a campus with basically no diversity, it's amazing how many different kinds of people there are." God I love undergrads.

Upon my return to my office I had a message from Erykah Badu offering me "Top of the Line WIN XP Software". I mean, I knew things were a little rough on her career when she realized that no one could recognize her without her giant turban, but I was a little surprised to find out that she has been reduced to selling software through the internet. Poor Erykah. I always thought she had a nice voice.