is it just me?

Well, we survived Christmas Round 1 with my husband's relatives. We got to have turkey dinner and exchange presents, and do other Christmas-y things one week early, and next week we get to do it all again! Someone gifted baby Lizard this and while I am anti-plastic battery operated toys, especially pink ones drowning in princesses, of course she loves it. It has bazillions of buttons you can push and it makes noise and spins and flashes and beeps. At its heart, it is a fun toy - you can push it around with your feet and it has a secret storage bin under the seat, and what kid doesn't love things with wheels? In fact, we had a very similar toy that was a little bus, but in good 1970s fashion it did not have batteries. It just had a little red plastic air horn and a picture of people riding in it on the side. I don't really understand why all the toys these days must be so elaborate. In fact, the buttons on Baby Lizard's new bus are so distracting to her that she does not move it around, she just sits on it and activates all the noises. Which kind of ruins the whole idea, you know? The real reason I oppose all these battery operated toys is that they encourage passive play - you just sit there and make them do their thing rather than having to do anything to them, which I have to imagine is not good for our brains. Just like maybe it is not good for our brains to have toothbrushes that tell us how long to brush, when to switch sides, how hard to brush, etc. (Thanks Nicole!) I mean, maybe it is actually good for us to have to think about things once in a while, wouldn't you agree? Maybe we should take charge of things such as how long to brush our teeth. I worry that kids are going to be really lazy because they are going to want the life-version of the magic princess bus, and rather than wanting to figure things out they will just want someone to figure them out for them and tell them which button to push.

We were discussing the devolution of American intellect this weekend after playing the board game version of "Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?" While I have only seen the show a couple of times, and have never lasted the whole half hour, I do recall there being questions that were kind of hard. I mean, nothing that you shouldn't know, but definitely some things that I didn't remember. But the board game version sucks. The questions are ridiculously easy and the format is really boring. However, this is beside the point. What we were talking about is that we went from Trivial Pursuit, which was very hard, to Trivial Pursuit Millennium edition which was substantially easier, to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, which was easier still, to 5th Grader. No wonder the Chinese are preparing to take over the world. They have figured out how to generate thousands of students that basically ace their GREs in their non-native tongue, and we are playing board games that ask questions like "what are numbers that are less than zero called?" In fairness, there are some harder questions thrown in there, but there is a lot of fluff. Also, we decided that board games based on TV shows are a bad idea. All the fun board games are just board games. Especially since it is a lot less exciting when there is no money involved. This is sort of a fatal flaw in board games based on game shows. The real question is - how many bad game shows are they going to invent while the writers are on strike? My guess is a lot. And I am not sure I can handle one more ad for America's next whatever. However, I am happy that my old summer buddy Project Runway is back. Good times.

Is it a sad commentary on my life that a 50th birthday party I attended on Friday for a guy I work with was one of the most fun parties I have been to in a while? In fairness, he is much more fun than your average 50 year old, and he cooks incredible food, and the wine was free flowing. Not to mention that he bought new speakers and has a love affair with iTunes. overall it was a good time.

I have decided I need a day off to prepare for my vacation which is a clear indicator that I have been a state employee for just a little bit too long.

Yesterday I went to the post office, the grocery store and Walmart. what a day! first, the post office. wow. I mean, it's particularly bad around the holidays, but seriously. That place is a mess. it is one of the only places where you can show up completely unprepared for your transaction and someone helps you figure it out. my post office has a high concentration of old people, which I have discussed before, which just adds and extra layer of excitement. I love looking at the faces of the people in line while the old lady at the counter holds up a wrapped gift and says "I need to send this to California", and instead of sending her home to read about things like addresses, the worker says "well, let's see if we can find you a box!" he had her write the address on a sticker and she says "I don't have the zip code. I can remember the one for Los Angeles, but not this other one." Call me crazy, but I have a sneaking suspicion that LA has more than one zip code. I'm just guessing. I think Madison has about 15, and although I have never been there, I had always sort of assumed that LA was bigger. But maybe all those celebrities I see on TV are actual size? and the whole city is miniature? If that's the case, I must go there on vacation ASAP.

Also in the post office was a sort of tired looking mom and her child who appeared to be about 2 years old. While the mother was distracted by complicated questions about customs forms, which of course she had not filled out, the child wandered off to go play with some decorative mailers. The mother came over and spoke to her quite nicely in some language which I could not recognize at all, but then I saw that her boxes all said Slovenia so I will assume it was...Slovenian? Does that exist? I feel bad, as I have a job that means I should know things like what the speak in Slovenia and where Malawi is, but I have no idea. (Okay, I just looked it up and Slovenian is correct, and it appears to be about as easy to understand as Hungarian.) Anyway, kids speaking other languages always makes them look like geniuses, though of course I realize that doesn't make any sense. But then she spoke in the international language of mom and deposited said child on the counter where she could not run away and handed her a bunch of random literature about how to change your address or something, and the kid was happy as a clam.

So, on to the grocery store. In the produce section, I came across and old woman perusing the summer squash, and she starts telling me she is looking for smaller ones. She hates leftovers. But, you know what she does with them? Puts them in a pan with some mushrooms and her secret ingredient: ranch dressing. "No one ever notices." haha. So I run into her again many aisles later and I smile at her since she has recently divulged her culinary secrets and she gives me a totally blank look. And then I realized: she talks to people she doesn't know all the time, so this was not a memorable encounter. I, on the other hand, generally do not talk to people I do not know so it stuck with me. heh.

And finally Walmart. Well, I didn't like it. It is absolutely huge and they sell everything known to man for ridiculously cheap prices. But I say if you can sell the world's largest gift basket of headache-inducing smelly bath products for $14.88, and the person who owns the company is a billionaire, there is a rat somewhere in that business model. I fully admit that if I was on a very tight budget I would feel differently about Walmart, though I think I would try to just not buy stuff rather than buy it there. But everything there is really, really ridiculously cheap. It's insane. I bet people buy a lot of things they don't need because it is so cheap. And then you think Walmart is great because you got a lot of stuff for a little amount of money, but you don't need it anyway. And that is the genius of Walmart.

heads up
I arrived at work this morning and the door I usually use is blocked off with caution tape and there is a sign that says "Watch for falling ice!" And sure enough, there are a bunch of big, busted ice chunks sitting on the front step. effing winter.

jinx, buy me a coke
there is a radio ad for replacement windows that I hear often that says "the bad thing about windows is they let the outside in - they are the jinx in your home's armor." The jinx? In my armor? Are you sure you don't mean chinks in my armor? I have listened closely for weeks, hoping that I was just hearing wrong, but alas....I am not. things like this make me cranky.

monkey see
this morning baby lizard was standing by the couch when the dog walked in the room. she looked right at him and lifted her leg up to the side. hahahaha. kids are awesome.

has it really been almost a week since I posted? where does the time go?

what I want for Christmas is to be turned in to one of those people who starts Christmas shopping in July and is totally done two weeks before Thanksgiving. but, well, I am not that person. And so I suffer with the hordes and end up saying things like "I think grandma would really like a copy of American Pie 2 on DVD". sigh.

Last weekend we went shopping. Since I had basically nothing in hand, I figured it was time. I went to a store that is basically a hunting supply store. I will not bore you with the details of why I went there, but the sad truth is that there were several things on my list that merited a trip. Seriously. So, everyone in there is looking at me like surely I took a wrong turn at the Gap, but I bravely plow ahead. I inspect the gloves, look for kids' boots, and while searching for some binoculars I somehow ended up in the ammunition aisle (!). Knowing I was lost, I hung a right at which point I ended up at the gun counter, and I thought - it must be strange to work here and stand around showing people weapons all day. However, I had no time to waste, so I left them to peer through scopes and discuss the merits of the various methods of killing deer. While baby lizard played with the cabinet doors of a gun rack (I swear I am not making any of this up) I decided they really didn't have what I was looking for. So, while giving some thought to the purpose of blaze orange camouflage - isn't the WHOLE POINT of blaze orange that it is NOT camouflage? - I collected my things and left. Several fruitless searches later, we went home nearly empty-handed and much worse for wear.

One item I was looking for was a particular CD. I looked at a big box store, and since I was unable to find a young, unhelpful salesperson I simply gave up when I could not find it. The next day I decided to shop downtown, went in to a cool local record store, somewhat shamefully asked for the CD, and was told I can only get it at Walmart. NO SIR. What is this? Why must I buy music at Starbucks and Walmart? This is a great problem for me, because I had kind of settled on this as my gift, but I do not shop at Walmart. Ever. I have been there twice, once to pick up an international visitor who wanted to do some shopping for her kids, and once while in a town that has no other store. I do not care that they have the lowest prices. They have abhorrent policies and I do not wish to patronize them. And yet, now, because of this dumb CD I have to. You can also buy it directly from the band, which I would if I had time for things like shipping. And in general I would want to support the band, but the truth is I do not want to support a band that made an exclusive deal with Walmart. REO Speedwagon played at Walmart here. And while they will tell you that they are trying to reach people who still buy CDs, I say that playing Walmart has to feel like a career low point. ugh.

There's going to be a white Christmas here in Madison, though I am going to miss it. It will not stop snowing, so unless global warming hurries up and gets its butt to Madison tout de suite we are going to have a white Christmas. Seriously, the snow here is like trick candles. Just when you think it's over and you have carefully shoveled it all up, it starts again. So here we are, in the spit covered cake that is Madison, with giant plow piles and dirty snow, wondering why anyone ever thought a white Christmas was such a good idea. They have literally started hauling the piles of snow out of town in trucks. I cannot imagine where they take it, but I am sure I do not want to go there on vacation.

don't tell baby lizard but we aren't really buying her Christmas presents. Other people will, so we figure this is probably the last year when we can get away with not. I mean how silly is it for me to buy something, drag it across the country, wrap it up, hand it to her, watch her stick it in her mouth, and then have her lose interest while I am one-third of the way in to ripping off the paper that I put on there in the first place? So, yeah. No gifts for her. However, you will all be happy to know that in honor of the holiday season we are walking. All four of us.

For the past two days I was in job interviews for an open position in my department. This is the first time I have been to a job interview when I was not the interviewee, and let me tell you: it has been painful. Regulations require that we ask each person all the same questions, and somehow the list is 25 questions long. Do you know how excruciating this is? And do you know what crappy answers most people give? It’s dreadful. There were five people, two of which were qualified, two of which were nearly incomprehensible (unfortunately this included one qualified person), and one who already works here. Umm…yeah. That’s not awkward. We’re hiring a supervisor for this person because they cannot get their job done, so they applied for the new position and we have to ask questions like “Why do you want this job?” but what we want to ask is “Please explain, in detail, how you will not royally screw up this job, even though you cannot do an easier job.”

One guy gets humor points for answering “What are your career goals?” with “Get this job!” And this other woman should be in marketing and not finance because for one position on her resume which is clearly telemarketing it says “Achieving set targets by friendly persistence/objection handling”. Hahaha. That means she’s the person that when you say “I don’t want long distance” says “I understand that Ms. Lizard but what I need to tell you is that these are amazing rates that you really cannot pass up.” “I want to pass them up.” “Well, I can appreciate that but did I mention that it comes with caller ID? And if you sign up right now we will raise your rates at no extra charge to you?” We did not hire her but we did order $50K in home and garden supplies.

Remarkably, I think we found someone to hire. But the real issue is that pretty much we are on the Titanic here and the new person will be like the patch kit that comes with a rubber raft. I feel like chicken little because I try to tell everyone here that things are not going well and they act really interested in that fact and call me in for a meeting, close the door, pretend to listen, offer me a piece of candy, send me back to my office and promptly do nothing. I have been doing this for two years straight. So now I just send emails that say things like “In case you care, it’s your ass that will have to pay back that $150K accounting error, not mine. Have a great day!” Remember those commercials with the guy working with a bunch of monkeys? Yeah, it’s kind of like that. We had an extra hour in between two interviews because the person who scheduled them did not realize that 11:45 is not one hour and 15 minutes after 9:30. Which is funny, since I sort of count being able to tell time as one of life’s more basic skills, but apparently it is not required by the state worker aptitude test.

Brrr…
The weather here has been horrendous. Even for Wisconsin in winter. So, if anyone lives somewhere warm and has a room they would like to rent to me and the baby Lizard please let me know. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and the post office near my house. Unfortunately for me, these places are also close to several retirement homes, which means that there are often lots of old people shopping and generally milling about. Do you know how slowly old women walk in the snow? The only thing slower is old women driving in the snow. And to make things even more exciting, there is tons of rental property nearby which is inhabited by a lot of graduate students, including a lot of Asians. I find that many of these people are not that good at driving because they have only learned to drive recently and the best way to be a bad driver is to start when you are over 30. There is something useful about learning to drive when you are a foolish, reckless 16 year old. You know, build your confidence while you’re too dumb to be scared. Anyway, if one of your new year’s resolutions is to be more patient, I have a recommendation for you: drive around my neighborhood for several hours in the snow. Seriously. If you do not end up jumping out of your car and beating an old lady over the head with her cane and/or screaming ‘get off the road’ more than once then you have reached your goal! Congratulations!

It seemed like a good idea
Yesterday I was shopping for a birthday present for my mother. I bought her some books, and the bookstore was offering free wrapping. This seemed great! I could get it wrapped right away, drop it at the post office and be done. So I took it back there to three bored looking high school girls. I had three books and they decided to each wrap one. After much mis-measuring of paper and excessive use of tape, the packages were handed back to me. And, well, they looked like my kid wrapped them. Seriously. It was terrible. I dropped a few bucks in the donation box anyway (it was for charity, after all) and tried to decide whether I could send these kindergarten crafts projects to my mother, who is an impeccable wrapper. Upon weighing the alternatives, I decided to just go for it and hope she doesn’t notice, which of course she will. I also had something wrapped at a toy store the other day and it took them about 20 minutes. I have now learned my lesson, and will wrap everything myself even though I really hate wrapping. Or else I will skip the wrapping and hand out the presents saying “Surprise! It’s what it says on the box!”

this is my 101st post, and my second lazy post of the day. I will aim for a good one tomorrow. however, here are the results of picture day.

this is my dog baraboo. he says 'how YOU doin?'

well, I suppose I knew winter was here when on the radio the other day they said "it's going to be nice today: 29 and sunny". yikes. You know, it seems crazy when they say it, but today I found myself saying "it's pretty warm out" when it was 34 degrees. And the truth is, that in Wisconsin in winter you have to appreciate 34 for what it is, namely not THAT bad. And while I always feel pretty depressed this time of year about the endless months of impending cold, I am kind of used to it. It's going to be harder with a kid, that's for sure. Last winter I just zipped her into her little carrier inside my coat and she had no idea it was cold. Now, not so much. And no one has bothered to tell my dog that this weather is horrendous. Yesterday it snowed for a while, and then it started sleeting. Lovely. When this happens, I hibernate. I do not drive in the snow if I can possibly avoid it. Last night I was forced to go out with my dog who was so excited about the snow he nearly exploded. So finally I got to a place where I let him run and chase squirrels and he was so happy. Unfortunately for him, every animal with half a brain (a category which lamentably does not include my dog and apparently does include squirrels) was hiding somewhere warm so he just had to run in circles which didn't bother him one bit. I also do not shovel. That is why I married someone from Minnesota. He spent hours this morning shoveling the world's heaviest snow, and he did it in a t-shirt. I wish I was kidding. anyway, it's winter. the end.

On Friday it was cold, so I picked my dog up before going to get my kid so he could run around without my creating a popsicle baby. I came home and he could tell something was up. He sat there staring at me with one ear cocked back. Our 'conversation' went something like this:

dog: sayit sayit sayit sayit sayit
me: what's up buddy?
dog: sayit sayit sayit saythemagicword sayit sayit
me: do you wanna go for a ride?
dog:omigod omigod omigod omigod (running around like a madman) shesaidit shesaidit shesaidit
me: ride? (at this point just egging him on because it is really fun to make someone's day)
dog: *delirously running around trying not to pee in the house out of excitement*

and off we went. He had a great time, as always. And I thought: I wish I was as easy to please as my dog. I cannot remember the last time someone genuinely made my day. I mean, you say "oh, that totally made my day" but usually whatever happened does not make a whole day. A few hours, perhaps, but the whole day? My dog goes ballistic for shreds of cheese, the word ride, the word cookies, a bone, and any number of other things. And you know, the kid is kind of the same. She is still new enough to communication that when she asks for something by name (a rare occurrence) and it magically appears it still kind of amazes her. She also gets really excited about breakfast everyday. By the time I get to her tray with today's delicacy (say, scrambled eggs) she is almost beside herself. Often she will go so far as to shriek with delight over a toaster waffle. I think I need to absorb some of that attitude from my dependents. In fact, we all do. Wouldn't the world be a happier place? (Though, come to think of it if someone cooked breakfast for me everyday I would be pretty effing excited. Though, I don't do shrieking.)

things I have been meaning to post

1. is it really true that cops have quotas for speeding tickets? I always thought that was baloney until on Wednesday and Thursday I saw four people pulled over and three other speed traps. It was November 28th and 29th. Coincidence? You be the judge.

2. People magazine gives me lots of blog fodder. From this week alone:
Apparently Dennis Quaid's trophy wife is his soulmate. How convenient for him that his soul's mate is housed in the body of a leggy 36 year old blond. If you were Meg Ryan (who if I recall was responsible for their divorce and briefly dated Colin Farrell - by the way where the hell is that guy? - so perhaps who is she to judge) wouldn't you be kind of pissed? They were married for a long time and know he's telling everyone that *this* is the person for him. I guess it happens all the time.

Valerie Bertinelli says that after dieting persimmons are her new favorite snack. Valerie Bertinelli is a liar.

Note to the crazy Dutch kid who they keep arresting for killing that girl in Aruba: it is probably no advisable to write a book about the situation, and in said book say "Lying became a habit because it makes things so much easier." oops. Now that he is in custody again I bet hie wishes he could take that back.

Also, in the letter section, someone calls Katie Holmes out for her 5.5 hour marathon time which was listed in People as 'respectable'. Ha. No it's not. Now, I can't run a marathon but I think I could walk one (without training) in about 6.5 hours. So, if I practiced walking fast I could probably do it in 6, maybe even 5.5 So, the guy who wrote the letter ran the marathon in 2:36 (i.e. FAST) and called her time 'disrespectful to the marathon'. haha. Mr. Lizard has a personal best time of 2:29 (FAST) and he agreed that 5:29 is an abomination. This is reason #254 that we hope baby Lizard gets her athletic genes from her father.

with all that celeb gossip, crazy true crime stories, and general insanity, I do not understand why everyone in America does not read People. Trust me, it will make your day.

3. We do a secret Santa gift exchange with my husband's step family (don't get me started - yet another reason to stay together for the kids). I always get his grandpa. Well, I have had him three out of four years I think. The other year I got his step dad. This year I have his uncle (guess I hope they don't read this!) and on his list is an oil pump filter from some outdoor store. I am not kidding. Oh, with extra filters. I guess I will wrap those separately to build the suspense. Why can't I get one of the girls?? I might actually enjoy shopping for my sister in law or step-aunt-in-law (haha). Oh well, maybe next year.

I need to get a notebook. I had more things but I forgot them all. oh well. another day.