is it just me?

At some point I realized that if there is someone I don't really care for and I can't figure out why, odds are that it is because they don't have a sense of humor. I cannot deal with people with no sense of humor. And I prefer people who have excellent senses of humor. I know, everyone SAYS that, but I think it is more important to me than the average person.

So, through email and facebook people can show you things that they think are funny. I like this because it sort of shows their true colors in terms of humor. Some people I am pleasantly surprised. And others, well, it turns out that their true color is beige. Oh well.

I can take a facebook quiz to tell me my chances of catching swine flu. I am sure it is really, really accurate.

tough times

Desperate times call for desperate measures, right? We are lucky Chez Lizard because although my pay has been cut (thanks, State of Wisconsin!) I still have a job, as does Mr. Lizard. And we can still pay for our house and our food and our health insurance. So, you won't hear any complaints out of me. Apparently at least one of my neighbors (and lots of other people I know) are not so lucky:

The other day I came home to find an invitation to our neighborhood association meeting. I was quite sorry not to be able to attend, as I find super local politics very charming. However, included with the meeting notice was a brochure of services offered by our neighborhood association president. I sort of wish I could post it in its entirety so you could fully appreciate it, but instead I will recap.

It is a husband and wife team. The wife has a funny hyphenated last name which, as she says is pronounced like "of course we have met". What on earth. Anyway, it sounds like neither of them is working. This is a shame because she has THREE advanced degrees. That's right, three. She has 1) a Ph.D. in theatre, which strikes me as a very odd thing to get a Ph.D. in and is probably why she has 2) as master's in clinical psychology which seems like a good degree to have and does nothing to explain her having 3) a law degree. So, a Ph.D., a master's and a law degree and no job. Oi. He is a registered architect. So, with all that brain power and schooling they are now offering....babysitting services?

That's right! They babysit kids, seniors, pets and houses, according to them. Now, I think it is fine to fall back on basic skills, and I have no issue with that. What I do have issue with is this (a direct quote from their pricing structure):

One caring adult: $10/hr
Two caring adults: $16/hr
Newborn (0-3 months) +$2/hr
Each additional child +3/hr
Meal prep $1/child (+feed us)
Meal clean up $1/child (loading dishwasher, wiping table, etc)
Formula/bottle prep +$1/bottle
Taking kids to activities in your car +$1/kid/trip
Kids under 10 awake after 10pm +$2/hr
Meds and clean up +$ negotiable

Seriously, there is a list like this for every activity. And while I don't begrudge your right to make a living anyway you see fit, I don't think you should be trying to get rich babysitting. Let's see, for an average evening I would be paying $13/hr before they did, well, anything. I would pay $2 for them to feed my kids, $1 for el segundo's nighttime bottle, $2 to clean up the dinner plates, and $1 for el Segundo's medicine. So, I'm looking at about $60 for an evening out. On the other hand, a lovely, highly qualified college student will drive herself to my house, watch my kids, feed them, play with them, put away dishes and overall be of service for a hassle free $10/hr. And high school girls will do it for less than $7. And I won't have to do 15 minutes of math, after a 27 question survey, just to figure out how much to pay. Did you feed them? (+$1) Did you wash the plate? (+$1) Have you already made me forget how much fun I had away from my kids because I have to get out my calculator? (-$1zillion)

I am surprised they don't charge for stories read. +$1/per book. Songs sung? +$1/song. Putting on pajamas? +$1/per hand or foot inserted in clothing. Pulling up blankets? +$2 unless blankets are wool in which case +$3. They also chrage $20 to visit your cat for 15 minutes per day. What a bargain! They will tutor your high school student for $40/hr. Their son will mow your law for $20/hr.

Apparently the prices are negotiable, depending on how easy your kids are and whether or not they like you (I am paraphrasing, but seriously that's the gist of it). Oh, and they don't like to check email (though they list an email address) and they don't like their cell phones (but give you their numbers). Pretty much a bored lawyer with time on her hands went crazy creating this ridiculous contract, basically guaranteeing them that no one will hire them because it makes them seem like a huge pain in the ass to deal with. I am sure they are nice people and if I met them I might feel differently, but someone who's going to charge me $13/hr to babysit and then refuse to pick up my kid because she's over the 35lb limit is a no go in my book. But the name of their business is WE CARE. And I'm sure, deep down, they do.

1) if you have a picture of yourself and the accurate caption is "me at Applebee's" and it literally is JUST a picture of you at Applebee's and you are thinking of posting it on Facebook...don't.

2) If someone has a note on their door that says "Will return Oct. 27" do you really need to knock AND check that the door is locked before you decide they are not there?

3) Why do aerobics instructors insist on hearing you do things? "I can't hear you clapping!" Who gives a shit? Listen to the music and leave me alone. Group clapping is dumb anyway.

4) You know how people (myself included) often end email "If you have any question, please contact me?" Is it okay to contact them and say that your only question is "Why are you so stupid?" Or is that frowned upon?