is it just me?

As I see it, there are a few very basic pre-qualifications for engaging in international travel. 1) You must have access to at least $500. I know that you can find cheap flights in Europe, but I am talking about flying from the US to another country, and let’s face it – if you can get somewhere for even $500, good for you. 2) You must either know someone in another country, or enjoy travel. If you don’t have a reason to go, you don’t go, right? So, one would imagine that international travel therefore requires some basic level of life competence, if you have accomplished both 1) and 2).

Not so. I went to Rome last month for work. To be honest, I was kind of looking forward to my flight. Why, you ask? Let’s face it: I do not get that many hours to myself. Even fewer when I am not facing a list of things that I should be doing. So, many hours on a plane with no children in tow and very little that can be accomplished was sounding pretty good. You know, until I got on board and remembered what flying is like.

I sat in my seat that I had paid a little extra money for that morning to get myself a window seat (not my internal middle row horribleness assigned to me by my lovely airline). I will say, this was totally worth it, especially since I picked my seat quite late and was able to find one without anyone next to it. Believe me when I say I did not realize how valuable this was.

Seated one row in front of me and across the aisle is a woman who is already making a lot of requests and commotion, before the plane has even boarded. Turns out that somehow she put medicine that she needs (for her HEART, people) in her checked luggage. Did you hear that? Her checked luggage. Which she checked a whole airport ago. She has now boarded the plane, realized that she needs it (?!?) and is trying to get it. Now, if I were the airline people I would not have been that nice, and considering how rude they are when you ask for, I don’t know, WATER I thought they would tell this crazy old bat to go eff herself. But they were looking for it.

Despite the fact that they were looking, she kept telling them “I have HEART problem. I need my medicine.” Then they tell her that IF they find the bag, she will have to get off the plane and look through it to get her meds. Which means we’re taking of, um, never. Then she says “I am wheelchair. I can’t walk.” You’re kidding, right? You’re in a wheelchair, but are flying to Amsterdam (yay, my favorite airport) from Detroit, and somehow you checked medicine that is keeping you alive? Uff. So they actually find the bag, and when the time comes, despite having announced “I am wheelchair” about fifty times, she GETS UP and WALKS down the aisle. What on earth. I mean, I guess I am glad she didn’t croak, but seriously?
After we take off, she asks if she can move seats. The stewardess says that yes, she can move to an empty seat. However, she has an aisle seat with an empty seat next to it. Why would she move? Because she is tired, and wheelchair, and heart problem and she would like THREE seats together so she can sleep. Well, wouldn’t that be nice? Wouldn’t we ALL like three seats? And when the flight attendant (again, very nicely) informs her that there aren’t three seats together anywhere she acts super put out, as though they had told her they wouldn’t be offering oxygen on today’s flight. Mercifully she fell asleep. Interestingly, I am not sure I ever saw her take medicine.

But there was a better one. A couple rows in front of me, there was an ancient man. I think he was about 136, but I can’t be sure. He had nice coke bottle glasses, and a seriously dazed expression. He was apparently on his way to Delhi, via Amsterdam. However, this was very confusing to him, and he kept trying to get off, because they were reporting that the plane was going to Amsterdam, and he was sure he was going to Delhi. I am thinking that perhaps this man should not have been allowed to fly alone. The stewardess agreed with me, because she asked the guy sitting next to him to, effectively, BABYSIT. I think she said ‘keep an eye on him’. Really? This means that the $50 I paid to not have a seat partner is actually worth a zillion dollars, because it meant there was no chance I would be asked to babysit an ancient Indian guy. Which, being honest, I have absolutely NO interest in.

This guy was hilarious. He sort of wandered around the whole time. The flight attendant would check in with the babysitter and say “is he gone again?” and then at one of the points where they tell you it is quite important you stay in your seat, he just got up and walked off. HA. And you could tell that the babysitter was thinking ‘I did not pay good money to have to chase someone else’s grandpa down the aisles’, and therefore did not take his duties very seriously. Fair enough.

What I want to know is what happened to that guy once he got to Amsterdam? How would he EVER in a million years figure out how to get on his next flight? I mean, if you’re going to be wandering around lost in an airport, allow me to recommend Amsterdam. First of all, there are lots of really friendly people there. And lots of good food, and a museum, and a meditation room – so if you ARE there for the rest of your life at least you can attend to your nutritional, entertainment and spiritual needs. However, it is confusing. And big. And if you are trying to get off the plane because the concept of connecting flights is very confusing to you, I am guessing you could have some trouble. Who knows, maybe he is still there. Part of me thinks he wouldn’t mind.

So then I went to Rome for like five minutes, and saw a few sites but mostly worked and stuffed my face with food and wine. And then I flew home on Alitalia which is easily the world’s WORST airline. In fact, if I had the choice between having the Indian guy on my lap, and Alitalia, I would have to think about it. They woke me up by throwing a moist towelette (and I just had to type that because it is two of my least favorite words ever, combined into a single wretched product which was used as a weapon against sleep) at me. That’s right. I was asleep, which was clear, and they threw it at me, hard enough to wake me up. Nice. They also had horrible video, which was sad because I was hoping to get in some movies on the way home. There was one screen, which was tiny and a million miles away. And I couldn’t find what channel played in English. So I asked the stewardess and she said “I think 5. But I don’t know. Isn’t that funny? I don’t know!” And rather than ask someone, I never saw her again. So, Alitalia: don’t do it. I mean ever. At all. For any reason. You're welcome.