is it just me?

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

 

drinking problems, etc

I have two stories about boozing. Not my own, but other peoples. On Friday night we were in a campus bar with some friends. There was a gigantic bouncer. I mean, this guy had to be 6'6", 300 lbs. Not someone you want to mess with. But all of a sudden he and this super drunk guy who had been at the bar are down in three point stance, facing each other like football linemen. Now the bar patron was of below average stature. I could not for the life of me imagine what he was thinking, though it was evident that whatever he was thinking he was not thinking it all that clearly. So he spends what seems like forever getting ready. I figure he has been foolish enough to challenge the bouncer to some weird physical challenge and we are all eagerly watching to see this guy get flattened. They keep talking about "the line" so I assume they have designated a line he has to cross. After what seems like forever, the little guy says "Ready? Go!" and proceeds to dive through the bouncer's legs and cross 'the line'. So, he wins. It was actually a pretty ingenious strategy since if he had attempted anything that involved force he certainly would have lost, and if he had attempted anything that involved agility or coordination he also would have lost. So, points to the drunk guy.

A waitress who had been watching this said "that's what happens when you sign your credit card receipt 'fuck you'". That is classic. The guy has been sitting there drinking likely for hours, they finally ask him to pay up and that's what he does. Hilarious. He then apparently also raised a chair towards the bouncer (bad, bad, bad idea) but apparently was saved from being thrown straight out the door on his ass by the fact that he knows the owner of the bar.

A side note: twice in relatively recent memory I have dared people to do things without actually intending them to do so, and they have done it. Now that I know how willing people are to take dares, I will start coming up with better ones. But on Friday night prior to the aforementioned incident I dared my friend (who was already a couple of martinis deep) to go ask the bouncer (yes, the giant one) to dance with her to that timeless classic "Unskinny Bop". She promptly walks over and asks him. He declined, and although we were dejected we used our free time to contemplate the meaning of unskinny bop. My friend suggested perhaps it was a song for full figured ladies who like to rock out. Maybe, though I kind of doubt it.

On Monday I was walking down the street and I see two guys and two bicycles. One guy is sitting on the edge of the sidewalk, and the other is messing with the chain of a bike. The other bike is just laying there. The fixer says "well, I think you're all set" and lays down the bike in the middle of the road and pedals off. The second guy starts to stand up and it becomes clear that he is very, very drunk. It appears that the now fixed bike is his which mean he potentially is planning to ride it which seems like a very very bad idea, but I decide it's his problem. About a block later I am standing waiting at the bus stop. After a couple of minutes the drunk guy arrives on his bike, having somehow managed to power it for a block. Fortunately he has now decided to take the bus. I have made the unwise decision to sit inside the little hut at the bus stop, and he comes in and starts talking to me. I swear the air around him must be flammable solely from the fumes that are pouring off of his body. He is nearly comprehensible, though is quite intent on talking to me. He keeps telling me that he needs to talk to his girlfriend, and I think about what a lucky, lucky lady she is. He then starts trying to talk to a college kid who is blowing him off. After standing up to confront him, and then remembering the he can't really stand up, he sits down as close to me as humanly possible and keeps talking. Just as I am beginning to wonder if I might actually pass out from the smell of someone who is actually drowning in alcohol and seems to be decidedly unfond of showering, he decides to get on the bus, despite the fact that it is not going where he wants. Miraculously he manages to get his bike onto the rack on the front of the bus, and off he goes into the sunset.

In summary:
Boozing on Friday night: Good
Boozing so much on Friday night that you pick a fight with Tony Siragusa but are not so drunk that you still win: Risky, but good
Boozing on Monday afternoon: Generally not a great idea
Boozing so much on Monday afternoon that you are riding a bike drunk at rush hour: Bad

If you want to read a funny book about hard core boozing and giving it up, check out Dry by Augusten Burroughs. It is a very enjoyable read.

just because it's free doesn't mean it's good

I was walking down the street on Tuesday and I see a middle aged woman riding a bicycle with a large seat attached, and two adults riding in it. I cannot imagine what is going on. They appear to be able bodied. It's a nice day out. It's not a place where you would go sightseeing. What on earth are they doing? As I turn around to get one final glance, I see a sign attached that says "Free Rides for Grad Students". What on earth. Now, I know that grad students like free stuff. Even more than undergrads, since they're just as poor but don't have their parents to support them. This time of year when the students come back there's always tons of free stuff. Free newspapers, free freeze pops (I don't know, as campus ministries), free keychains, free drinks, etc. But I have never heard of something like this. When I get to the center of campus, I see a tent labeled "GRADitude" sponsored by some health insurance company. There is a guy on a megaphone saying "Free water. " Normal. "Free granola bars." Yummy. "Free pens." Useful. "Free pedicab rides." What the fuck. I have no idea why. It was a beautiful day out, perfect for walking across campus. And I felt totally humiliated for the people I saw riding down the streets. Fortunately they didn't get many takers. But remember this: you don't have to do things, even if they're free.

On my walk I also saw a tiny, weather-beaten sticker that said "Sorry I got that song stuck in your head." I thought it was funny because recently I have had a problem with songs (or rather two lines of songs) getting stuck in my head. I can't figure out how to stop them. Suggestions are appreciated.

Friday, August 26, 2005

 

comments

so, not many people leave comments here. I like comments, so I was happy when today I had one. But it was a fake comment. Comment spam. Jerks. So I tried to get rid of it but I can't. I'm pissed. Both at the stupid comment spammer who wants to know if you are Alone, but also because I can't figure out why I can't see the delete comment option. I have just enough computer savvy to be dangerous, but not enough to be useful. it's sad, really. So now if you want to leave me a comment you have to do some word verification thing which I only did because I couldn't figure out how to just delete. So now really no one will leave comments because it's a lot of hassle. stupid spammers.

So, can anyone tell my why those walkie talkie cell phones are better than a regular cell phone? I have never used one, but it doesn't really seem to be an advantage. Do you have to hold down a button to talk like with a real walkie talkie? It seems like people hold them away from their face and talk into them, which is not better than being on the phone. It really doesn't seem like superior technology.

While we're on the topic of cellphones, I would like to take this opportunity to remind all of you that it is impossible to look cool with a cellphone attached to your belt. Do not deceive yourself. It's dorky. In fact, it is pretty hard to pull of wearing anything but a belt around your waist. So be honest with yourself, do you really get so many calls that you need to have your phone right there? Guys will give the argument that they do not carry purses and therefore have nowhere to put their phones. I don't care. Put it in your pocket, carry it in your hand, or get a purse. Or admit that you are a huge dork. Perhaps people only do this in the Midwest. But if you do it, I will say now: it's not workin for you.

Yesterday on the bus there was a young woman wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a fried egg that said "the yoke's on you". I don't get it.

today is friday. yeeha for that.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

 

ticky tacky

this morning I was listening to NPR and they were talking about housing prices, or something like that. and then they played a little song that went "little boxes on the hillside, little boxes made of ticky tacky and they all look just the same." And somewhere from deep in my memory, I realized I knew every word to the song. And this is why I love the internet: I can come in to work, with that silly song still stuck in my head, find all the lyrics, find the story of it, and listen to several versions online. technology is amazing.

Anyway, if you don't know that song, it's interesting. I really only remembered the first part about the houses. But then they say they "And they all go to university and they all come out the same. And there's doctors and there's lawyers and business executives and they're all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same." I thought it was a nice little kids' song, but no. That's not a nice little song. But now I think it's even better. And I can basically guarantee that it will stuck in my head for the next three weeks. If you would like to listen to it, Pete Seeger does a decent version.

so, I probably learned that song from my parents. I don't remember being taught the song, per se, but my parents like to sing. The funny thing is that I also know all the words to all the songs that my parents used to listen to when we would drive from virginia to massachusetts every summer to see my grandparents. It's not good songs, necessarily. Carole King. Judy Collins. That kind of stuff. But I learned it all by heart, and can, when properly prompted, have quite a 60s singalong. I am sure now kids can listen to their walkmans (sorry, IPods) in the backseat and never be tainted by their parents music, but that is a real shame. One day I want my kids singing along to my favorite songs without knowing why they know all the words.

yogurt

I love dairy products. A lot. I drink milk by the glass, can't get enough cheese, and eat cartons of yogurt. So Dannon is making a big deal about the fact that they are getting rid of their plastic lids on their small yogurt. This is good. It's a waste. The tagline is "What would you do with 3.6 million pounds of plastic?" First, I find it astounding that that is how much plastic is used for those stupid lids. But then they say, "Dannon is making a major donation to Toys for Tots enabling them to give lost of plastic toys to kids this holiday season." I guess the idea is that plastic toys for poor kids is a better use of all that plastic than yogurt lids, but it's not really working for me. You've got me thinking about waste and plastic, and I would prefer to think that the elimination of the lids would result in less plastic, not just be melted in to a different shape for some kid to destroy. Sorry. I was an environmental policy major in college and every once in a while it gets the better of me.

tough, but not too tough

I was walking down the street in Madison yesterday, and these teens are walking towards me. I would call them goth, though perhaps that is outdated. (If you know the new name please tell me. I like to be current.) The girls have black and pink hair, extreme amounts of eye makeup, small shirts and giant pants. The boys are the same with big shirts and big pants. All black, of course. So there are these two college kids riding in a BMW. It is stopped at a light and the aforementioned teens cross in front. The driver reaches over and locks his door, and then yells "Gimme some of what YOU got" just as the light changes and he peels off. I mean, you're gonna yell at people but lock your door first? Come on. And what does that mean, anyway? The funny part was he peeled out, but one block later he had to stop again. I bet then he rolled up his window. The best part is that the teens didn't even blink. I mean, one of em might've raised an eyebrow, but other than that the guy got no satisfaction.

On a slightly related topic, for anyone reading who is thinking of some body art, a word of caution. Don't get tattoos anywhere that is not easily covered by regular clothing. I have been seeing young people with tattoos on their necks and chests. This is a bad idea. I am just saying (and I know it makes me seem old) you might want to put em somewhere you can cover them in case you change your mind. Pierce whatever you want, but the tattoos are risky. And you know those things you put in your ears that make em stretch? (Again, if you know the name, send it to me.) Don't do that. It's a bad idea. It can't be fixed. And I really, really think the day will come when you will regret that. Among other things, you know how old people all have giant ears? Apparently your ears never stop growing. This is a troubling enough fact on its own, but just think about it in the context of stretched out ears. So, don't do it. It's nasty. And you will be sorry. This is your brain on drugs.

Do you remember that great old anti-drug commercial where the dad comes in to the kid's room with a box of pot and says "Who taught you how to do this stuff?" And the kid screams "YOU, allright? I learned it by watching YOU!" What a great ad. I still say that. It cracks me up every time.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

 

oh, canada

that title is meant to be said not so much like the regal "oh Canada" of the national anthem but more like oh, canada - you're so silly!

I feel like I should have some great stories to tell after a ten day trip, but I am not sure that I do. I spent two days working in Portland, OR. That was my first trip there, and I rather liked it. Of course, it is sunny there this time of year which makes it easier. And I liked it more than, say, Boulder where the whole town feels kind of fake. Boulder is creepy clean, all the people are good looking and they go for two hour bike rides before getting in to work, hike on their lunch hour, rock climb home and top it all of with a nice jog before eating organic rice and beans from Whole Foods for dinner. In Portland it is nice but they have dirty sidewalks, people asking for money, and a bunch of regular people cruising around working, shopping, etc. I found it kind of comforting. In Boulder I felt like I was on the Truman Show.

One funny story from Portland: we were standing on the corner with our friends getting ready to part ways. We did not pick a good corner for this because we were getting asked for money every two seconds. So then this lady comes up to us and asks for money. We say no. She says "Y'all look pretty happy...I think I know why." But she said it in a very sinister tone of voice. If I hadn't been so uninterested in prolonging the interaction because I didn't want to give her money, I definitely would have asked her why she thought we were happy.

Anyway, after Portland we went to Seattle. It's nice there, though kinda busy. I think I feel like Seattle should be like Madison, but really it's a big city. My stepbrother-in-law showed us around, though, and it seems like a good place. One funny thing (and I really need to learn how to put pictures in here) was a sign that was meant to get you to look out for pedestrians. Instead of the usual, basic "Yield to Pedestrians" there was a graphic with people diving out of the way of a car with the slogan "Think of the harm you could do". It was hilarious. And nicely complemented by the road signs that say "If you litter, it will hurt." weird.

So then we went to Vancouver, B.C. (hence the whole Canada thing). Vancouver is a funny place. It's kind of an international city, with lots of tourists (including lots of Japanese tourists) but friendly Canadian staff. The Canadians really are an amiable bunch. Maybe it's all a front but we really didn't meet very many grouchy people at all. We got caught in rush hour traffic going over a bridge. Four lanes merge in to one. In Boston this would result in lots of honking, jockeying for position, swearing, etc. In Canada they just all take turns converting two lanes into one, then turning those two into one. Completely civilized. Unfortunately we planned poorly enough that we ended up having to experience this twice. I mean, it was nice but I didn't need to do it twice.

I was making a purchase at a women's clothing store. The guy at the register was kind of chatty, and asked where I was from. I told him Wisconsin, in the States. He said "We've been getting loads of Americans this year from random places like Wisconsin." I agreed that Wisconsin is kind of random, though quite close to Canada. Then he says "Just the other day we had some people in here from Alabama." Does he think Wisconsin and Alabama are the same? Are we just equally random? Do people have any idea how big the U.S. is? But he was very nice and wanted to tell me all about the homeless in Vancouver. (the short story: they have a lot of them and apparently at one point the prime minister bought a bunch of homeless people in central canada one-way bus tickets to Vancouver because it's warmer there. Not a very sound public policy, but hey.

If you go to Vancouver, be prepared to hemmorhage money. It's expensive. While you can get some cheap sushi (do NOT go to Nikko, but do go to Kagayo on Davie Street) and some other deals, overall it's expensive. The tourist attractions are ridiculous. And make no mistake about it - there are a LOT of tourists. If you are thinking "wild Canada" then I would skip Vancouver. If you are thinking "cool city with great views and lots of woods around it" then skidaddle on over, because Vancouver is for you.

We stayed at a kind of businessy/tourist hotel. It was very nice. Good service. I felt a little silly as the valet guys opened up the door of my rented Subaru and I climbed out in my dirty hiking clothes, but there you have it. I am sure they are used to it. One day we came back to our room and everything that had been left on the bathroom counter had been meticulously arranged on a washcloth that the maid laid out. I can't imagine why she did that. I also can't imagine how long it takes here to arrange everyone's toothpaste, lotion, deoderant and nail clippers so artistically. They must have a ton of housekeeping staff.

Speaking of staff, one interesting thing is that the prevalance of asians mean that many asians there are doing jobs that you are not accustomed to seeing them do. Like being nannies. Or working at convenience stores. I suppose it is just that I have never lived anywhere where that was the prevalent minority. Worth noting.

One tourist thing that we did that was funny was rent bikes to ride around Stanley Park. This is extremely dangerous, only because they rent out all these bikes and rollerblades to people who don't generally bike or rollerblade, and then send them all out to deal with each other on a narrow path. My husband and I thought it would be funny to rent a tandem bike. It was funny, if you think feeling like you're going to crash and nearly killing two children is funny. Let me tell you - those things are harder than they look. Now, we got better as time wore on (and as we moved away from all the people) but it's a challenge. I am kind of a control freak when it comes to having control over my own body. This is why I don't like skiing and other sports that involve hurtling along at high speeds. So I was sitting on the back of the bike, still trying to steer. But this just wiggles the front of the bike, it has no impact on the actual direction of the bike. So, in general steering from the rear is frowned upon. You're just supposed to hold on. Now I know, and now you have been warned.

in summary...portland: good; seattle: good but crowded; vancouver: good but expensive.
thank you. the end.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

 

Adios lima

Well, since we last spoke I have come and gone from scenic Lima, Peru. Although I enjoyed it, I understand why Lima is not a place that many people go on vacation. There are lots of tourists there, but they all go to Cuzco and Macchu Picchu and skip Lima. It is a city of 8 million and it does not have high rises. Do you know what that means? It is huge. Sprawlingly, unendingly huge. And there's a lot of traffic. And pollution. And next to the beach. Perhaps it's like LA. Though it was winter and not too warm and kind of cloudy. And the people aren't trying to get in movies. Anyway, I enjoyed it in sort of a nostalgia-for-latin-america-and-general-enjoyment-of-world-travel kind of way, but I will not be moving there any time soon.

To be fair, I did not see much of what Lima had to offer since I was working almost the entire time. I was traveling with my boss who has the deadly combination of a) requiring very little sleep and b) not being particularly fond of leisure. The result of these two is that you spend a lot of time working. I am going on vacation next week and I have been looking forward to it for a long time. The idea of not working for a week fills me with happiness. When I asked my boss if he was excited for his upcoming vacation (which his wife planned behind his back) he said he was "working on it". Honestly.

here are some funny things from Lima:
1. There is a pedestrian street downtown, and at places where it crosses streets with traffic there are mimes. They are wearing these yellow and blue uniforms, have their faces painted like mimes, and their sole job is to keep people from crossing against the lights. They have four on each side of the street, and if you start to move they hold their hand up and then do that weird exaggerated pointing mime thing at the don't walk signal. Traffic mimes. Crazy.
2. You have to throw away toilet paper. You can't flush it. This is actually true in Bolivia and parts of Mexico also, but I had forgotten. The funny thing is there are no signs or anything, you're just supposed to know. Lots of times I forget. And it seems totally disgusting and weird but truthfully you get used to it. You just wash your hands a lot more.
3. They have great service. When I asked the doorman at my hotel (which was a nice hotel but nothing outrageous) where I could buy water, he wanted to go buy it for me. Security guards hail taxis for you and open the door. It's quite nice.
4. Everything can be purchased individually. Medications, pieces of gum, cigarettes. Why buy the whole thing? It is one of the most wonderful things about developing countries.
5. They have every U.S. food chain you can imagine. They have things like KFC, McDonald's and Pizza Hut which you might expect. I was not prepared, however, for the abundance of Dunkin Donuts. I think Peru might be the only country other than the States where I have seen the Double D's of pleasure.
6. On the road in from the airport there are all these gambling places with lots of neon and names that are supposed to make you think of American like Roky's, Hello Hollywood and Texacana (not to be confused with Texarcana).
7. My hotel room had this desk that was placed right by the front door, like it was a reception area or something. And then I had two brown pleather loveseats from the 70s as a waiting room. The bed was new, as was the tv. But in the bathroom all the fixtures were old. And it had a bidet which for some reason are very popular in Peru. Perhaps it's related to the whole toilet paper thing? Anyway, my room was totally wacky. I only wish I had had more time to enjoy it.

After all this I am fairly sure you are not planning to go to Peru on your next vacation. However, it is an interesting place, so if you're in the neighborhood (unlikely, I know) check it out.

hiatus

Now, I don't really know if I have enough regular readers to merit a notice about non-posting. I feel like not, though I think now there are more than two of you. So anyway I am leaving again and probably won't post for a while. I'll be back, though. So don't forget about me.

Monday, August 01, 2005

 

bienvenido a lima

actually, I won't be in Lima until tomorrow. I was searching around today for some things I might do in case I have free time while in Peru. I was thinking of something along the lines of music, museums, etc. I found a website on tourism and clicked on something called entertainment. at the bottom of the lists was the following:

Striptease Night Clubs Night centers in which pretty girls dance and make striptease shows.

ha ha. did they really need to define striptease night clubs? And, if you didn't know what it meant before that description isn't really going to help. But I found it hilarious.

seven and a half

As a follow up to last week's post on language and tourists, I witnesed something today I wanted to share. I was at the sub shop waiting for my order. This particular shop is very close to the computer science and statistics building, so they get a lot of asian grad students. This guy in line behind me starts trying to order. The counter guy, who prides himself on being the world's most efficient fast food worker says "Hang on, buddy, I am trying to do three things here." Blank look from buddy. Finally he's ready to take the order.

Buddy: Seven and half.
Worker guy: Okay?
Buddy: Seven and half ham cheese.
Worker guy: What kind of bread do you want? (well, I know that's what he said but in his quest for efficiency he talks pretty fast, so it sounded like "whakindobredyouwan")
Buddy: Seven and a half. (Right. We covered that. But those statisticians love their numbers.)
Worker guy: What kind of BREAD? (Going on the universal assumption that saying something louder actually makes it more comprehensible.)
Buddy:......
Worker guy: White, wheat, parmesan oregano? (Okay, that last one is just cruel. Perhaps realizing this he translates.) White, brown or cheese?
Buddy:.......
[Girl behind the counter mercifully holds up a piece of white bread. Buddy nods. They don't bother asking what else he wants on it.]

I felt bad for the guy. I really did. I remembered being in Moscow and wanting to buy a bottle of water. So I said the only word I had to do that, which was vada (water in russian). The guy responded with"jfoaisdjfsjdf?" Blank look from me. Again: "sidjidsjg?aosdijfgoijfsdg?" Now, I knew he was probably asking a totally legitimate question like "big or small?" or "carbonated or not?" but I had no idea what he was asking, and even less how to respond. So I just kept saying vada vada vada. finally he slammed a big bottle down on the counter, and raised his eyebrows as if to say "close enough?" and I gave him a look to say "sure" and handed him a bunch of money. Unfortunately it was carbonated and I spent the next day trying to make it go flat. I have never been so happy as when I finally found a self service grocery store to avoid future misery.

anyway, off to peru. have a great week.

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