is it just me?

don't look now, but someone at E Online has gotten a sense of humor. Here, excerpted without permission straight from the First Look New section:

BAD DOGG: Snoop Dogg and five associates arrested at London's Heathrow Airport after a fracas that reportedly left seven police officers injured. Apparently, there was some misunderstanding as to what the rapper meant by "fizzle clizzle."
CODE CRACK: The judge who presided over the The Da Vinci Code copyright case reportedly inserting a secret coded message into the text of his ruling, reading "smithcodeJaeiextostpsacgreamqwfkadpmqz," according to the lawyer who discovered it. Per E! Online's crack team of code breakers, the message roughly translates to "Nobody loves me. This is a desperate cry for attention. Anybody out there?"

Haha. They've actually started making fun of celebrities and that makes it so much better. And no, I am not sorry to admit that I read news on E Online. How else am I supposed to feed my pop culture obsession? I certainly won't be learning anything at work, where a lady said to me just two days ago "Wiscolizard. You watch tv. Have you heard of something called American Idol?" I explained it to her and she said "Oh, it's a singing contest? It sounds boring." Which it is. But suffice it to say that people here are not on the cutting edge of what's new.

Yesterday at yoga at the end of class the teacher said (as she says everyday) "Namaste, which means the divine light in me sees and recognizes the divine light within you." Which I say means basically namaste does not translate. Recently in yoga a young couple has been coming together. This is fine. They lay their mats close to each other. It's kind of cute, really. Until yesterday when I was supposed to be meditating and instead I was looking around the room and I saw them holding hands. While meditating. For pete's sake. Can't they take an hour off from being in love to focus on inner peace? The bad news about yoga: I can't really bend forward any more. The good news: I can still balance on one foot. So, I've got that going for me.

This weekend I saw "Thank you for not smoking" that new movie with Aaron Eckhart and mom of the week Katie Holmes. My review: funny, but not as funny as I thought it would be. I enjoyed it, but did not love it. In an interesting twist, however, after just discussing High Fidelity, there was Dirk the record store worker guy. I think that's the first time I have seen him since HF but now I know why: he appears capable of playing only one character. And Katie Holmes plays a reporter who supposedly seduces Aaron Eckhart and gets him to tell all kinds of secrets while thye're having sex and then reports them. This is about as hard to believe as it sounds like it would be. She will not be receiving an oscar. Thank god.

Jason Mulgrew said that he reviews blogs that he linked to and got rid of hte ones that were not up to par. I was immediately filled with dread, but you will all be glad to know that I made the cut. I am still on there, self esteem intact. Phew.

Remember crazy bus lady? the one who talks about her dog all the time? Well, I see her in the morning sometimes at this park where you can have your dog off leash, but only until 7:30. It's close to my house so I walk over there and let the dog play. Anyway, we always leave at the same time, and go in the same direction. But at the same point each time, she starts to go another way. Now, this is fine, except for she could walk in my same direction for another block. And although I don't really enjoy talking to her, she comes with her neighbor and her neighbor's dog, and that lady is nice to talk to. But even if neighbor and I are mid-conversation, CBL will go this other way, dragging her companion with her. Even this is within her rights, she can walk however she wants. But EVERY TIME she says "Sorry, apparently we're going THIS way" or "Calvin says we have to go this way". Implying that her dog chooses the route, and she has no choice in the matter. I find this extremely aggravating. First of all, it's a dog. And it's on a leash which you are holding so really which way you go is up to you. And if you try to tell me differently I will say you have a problem. But also, she says it every day like it's a surprise, or a one time thing. She can't just get over it and say "See you later". No, she has to blame it on the dog, and make a fuss. God she makes me sad. The other day I saw her miss the bus. I didn't know what to call her.

I have a question, and this is important: are madras shorts coming back in? say it isn't so.

That's all I have for now. Exciting, I know.

so, I read these message boards for women who are due in august (you know, to find out if it's normal that my hands itch like crazy) and there was a post this morning with the subject (and this is an exact quote):

"anyone else's baby daddy is a tweaker"

super. so I said a quick thanks that I wasn't that girl and proceeded to scratch my hands until they bled.

very often I look at people with that exact question in my head, shocked that they put whatever atrocity they're wearing on, looked in the mirror and though "yep, I'm ready to go."

case#1
I admit, it's hard to dress in spring. the temperatures vary, you wish it was warm but it usually isn't, etc. The other night I arrived at the dog park around 6pm, and it was approximately 70 degrees outside. Lovely, really. I was a bit warm in a light jacket, but knew the temp would start dropping. However, there were people there in tank tops and I did not htink they had completely lost their minds. But then a lady shows up in a turtleneck and a down parka. Which she had zipped up. Don't get me wrong - I hate being cold. I am never underdressed. But a down parka? It's 70 degrees! The sun is shining! Have you lost your mind? She was very weird (I guess this should not have surprised me). She had this big wintry dog (a Samoyed for any of you dog lovers, which are big, fluffy husky-esque white dogs.) Perhaps she was trying to empathize? See how her dog feels when it's 70 dgrees out? I have no idea. She tried talking to me but I pretended to be deaf.

case #2
People in Madison do not dress nicely. I mean, the students follow trends but the townies generally look like something off of the REI sales rack. It is bascially impossible to go anywhere and feel that you are casually dressed because guaranteed someone there will be in jeans, merrell slides and a fleece jacket. People tend to look rumpled. I can spot the Madison get from half a mile away at the airport because the look is so distinctive. So, when I went to the annual meeting for a community group that I volunteer with last night I did not give one second's thought to my outfit. I could have told you how everyone there would be dressed, and I would have been right. Anyway, there was a grouf of girls from the university there, some sort of "microfinance club". Anyway, they were all dressed a little nicer because a) they're young and still care how they look and b) they probably haven't learned yet how badly your average madisonian dresses. For the most part, they were wearing sensible skirts, etc. But this one girl was wearing a green and white strapless dress and PEARLS. What, did she miss the bus to the Kentucky Derby? Seriously, I cannot tell you how out of place she looked. And because it is very important to sit up straight at all times in a strapless dress, she was perched there on the edge of her chair, back rail straight, turned half to the side with her hands clasped in her lap. She seriously looked like she was posing for her prom queen picture. I could not imagine what made her think that the annual meeting of a Nicaraguan Solidarity community group merited this type of attire. Seriously. I missed about 10 minutes of one of the presentations because I was so utterly distracted by what she could have possibly been thinking.

case #3
I know you don't need to look nice when you go to class. But do you have to dress like a homeless person? Some of the girls on campus really need to get their shit together. I mean, I am tired of the bug eye sunglasses and sweatpants, but when you pair them moccasins or seven layers too many it really gets old. The other day there was a girl who looked suspiciously like Mary Kate Olsen sitting next to me on the bus. She was very thin, clutching a huge cup of coffee which likely was her entire consumption for the day. She was wearing the ugliest terry cloth pants I have ever seen. They were about seven different colored stripes, with the primary color being pink. Then she had on some ratty tank top, a dirty sweater, and tan moccasins with no socks. Oh, and the pants were about three inches too short. I mean, really. Even famous people look bad in these outfits and you are not famous. People look a little less crazy in the warm weather than they do in the cold, but still.

Oh, and as a warning - I have noticed that skinny jeans with small ankles are making a comeback with Nicole, Lindsay, Sienna et al. I must warn you that unless you weigh under 100 lbs this look is not going to look good on you. No, if your hips are wider than your ankles then skinny jeans are a bad idea. So let's save ourselves some agony and stay away from it, what do you think? Can we all agree on that? Please?

One final note on wardrobe. Although no one I work with is a very good dresser (though we have all different kinds of bad dressing going on, coupled with a hefty dose of indifference) they do not let that stop them from commenting on my outfits (or other people's for that matter). My boss is especially bad. Once I was wearing one of those long sweaters that were in for a while, you know more like jackets with a belt? Anyway, my inlaws gave me one and I thought I'd try it. My boss says "You look like a knight! Is that your tunic? It looks like a tunic!" I never wore it again. Then one day I had on a pink sweater. My boss told me it reminded him of Hostess Snowballs, you know those nasty cakes covered in pink coconut. Yep, straight to goodwill. But just when I thought I was the only one being persecuted, the new faculty member who happens to be both my age and my gender ( a real rarity around here) comes in wearing an orange fleece vest. The guy down the hall says to her 'Hey- are you going hunting?' I sat in my office feeling very pleased that at last, I am not the only one. Welcome to my world, sister. Watch what you wear. I will also say that she has stooped perhaps lower than anyone else here (and that is saying something since our standards are basically nonexistent) and actually wears sweatpants to work. She's a university professsor. Sweatpants? Really? And to make it even worse they say the name of a university in big letters down the leg. And not even HER alma mater or this place! No, they say the name of where her sister goes to school! So now that she has been baptized I think I might make a comment to her about her sweatpants. What fun is taking it all the time if you can dish it once in a while, right?

Have a good weekend.

apparently those gals at go fug yourself and I are on the same page. I cannot tell you how much this pleases me.

Okay, tell me what you think of this, and it is important that you be honest: on Friday night we were invited to drive out to the country to some friends' land to help them with their annual prairie burn. We thought this would be fun, and so we went. Do we have a serious problem, or is this okay? Do I need to leave Wisconsin immediately, or is it okay to stay a while longer? Does it make it better or worse that we went bowling on Saturday?

The prairie burn was a total bust because it was too hot and windy and the Department of Natural Resources wouldn't give them permission to burn. So we just hung around for a while and then ate the good food that our friend's mom had made for everyone. It was not unenjoyable, though a little strange. Perhaps the gem of the evening was some guy dressed in a sleeveless shirt and track pants who said "So, that pregnancy thing. How's that going for you? I mean, you've got a baby in there, right?" Right.

The other highlight was we were talking to the dad of our neighbor (the ones who invited us). He told us that they were re-doing their bedroom. Somehow it came up that his wife was sewing all new linens for the bedroom. This included matching (and not just coordinated, but all the same) comforter, pillows, curtains and SHOWER CURTAIN. Sounds scary if you ask me. Anyway, the guy says that he likes the fabric that she picked, but it was kind of expensive. And he was worried that it will look dated. (I know you are wondering where I am going with this boring story. Stick with me.) I could not help myself. I said "what's the fabric like?" Apparently it's turquoise. With putty colored accents. Um....I think this look was dated quite a while ago. And don't worry - she bought some fringe. And tassles. Even my husband had to admit that I deserved an Emmy for my reaction. I was nothing but southern charm and enthusiasm. Until I got in the car. But hey - I held on as long as was necessary. And speaking of bad 80s fabric, can anyone explain to me WHY that is the only thing they will make futon covers out of? I mean, I know the heyday of futons as real furniture has kind of passed, but still. Lots of people have em and we don't really want to cover them with splatter paint covers. Seriously.

And while we're on the topic of nothing, can anyone explain to me Jon Cusack's truly atrocious wardrobe in the otherwise fantastic High Fidelity? Seriously, it just goes from bad to worse. I feel like maybe it was a conscious decision, but I am not sure what that decision was. To make him look like a total tool who still gets the girl? And what happened to that girl? She seems like a good actress. Has she been in anything else? (Okay, I got curious and looked her up. Her name is Iben Hjejle which was probably a major obstacle to her getting famous in this country. Apparently she is Danish and has appeared in a ton of movies in Denmark, Finland and Sweden. Too bad for America. I kind of like her.) As a final note on High Fidelity (which I recently watched on tv for about the 10th time and which is one of a very select number of movies I could stand to watch that many times), there is a guy who rides my bus who is the doppelganger of the guy who works in the store who I think is named Dirk. You know, the one who hooks up with Sara Gilbert who will forever be Darlene from Roseanne.

If you like the show 24 and you don't particularly care for our President, don't you think it's great that they have made the President a corrupt bastard who thinks he can get away with anything, and that Homeland Security is the bad guy? And it's on Fox! I love it.

So I was already thinking today would be a good day because it is gorgeous out and my boss isn't in and they have my favorite lunch special at the Union. And once I saw that go fug yourself I knew I was right. Happy Tuesday everyone.

In November I went to a conference in Budapest. Through this experience, I came in contact with several people who work at the university that was our local host. Apparently, Hungarians really like to send mass email messages to wish you good holidays. Just after the conference I got a slew of emails about Christmas. And then of course came New Year's. And today I get a message from this guy who I barely met at the conference. The message has no subject, but the text part is:

Kellemes húsvéti ünnepeket kívánok!

Happy Eastern!

This killed me. First, look how ridiculous Hungarian is. Do not ever try to learn it. Everyone there speaks English anyway. Secondly, he sent this message to hundreds (literally, and not bcc'ed either) and spelled Easter wrong. Attached was this really bizarre picture of a sad looking begonia like the ones they have at the grocery with all these pieces of easter chocolate arranged. wait. Here:


Hey! Look at me! I figured out how to post pictures. Anyway, isn't this truly bizarre? What an odd thing to send to people you hardly know all over the world. I mean, he totally made that himself. that is not stock footage. But the real question is: why? I particularly enjoy the chocolate lady bug perched on the leaf. How artistic.



Today is beautiful. It's near 80 degrees. In Wisconsin. In april. It's making us all giddy. Of course, people start wearing shorts here the first day it's over 50, even though some people are still wearing coats, so absolutely every person feels that somehow they are inappropriately dressed. But, in true Midwestern fashion (in keeping with our total, consuming obsession with the weather) I walk in to the building this morning enjoying that it is 63 degrees and I am comfortably wearing a light jacket and the first thing someone says to me is "Muggy out there, huh?" Oh good lord. We have been waiting for spring since December we have one nice warm day and people feel the need to bitch about the heat. I find this so tiresome you cannot imagine.

There's this creepy guy on my bus who I have actually mentioned before but who you likely will not remember. Anyway, he's weird, but now I have noticed that I frequently see him sitting in the lounge near the deli that I go to in the medical school, staring in to space doing nothing. I don't think he actually has a job. I think he commutes to campus every day at regular commuting times with his backpack and then sits around all day. The other day he was sitting there with this other weird guy who was sleeping with a newspaper over his face. I see them together a lot. So I have decided that he's one of those people who's living a lie and has constructed this whole fake life and it's only a matter a time before his wife starts to figure it out and he will then have to kill her to try to keep the secret and he will end up on the cover of People magazine and I will say - see? I told you something was not right with that guy. If only I knew who his wife was I could warn her. Poor thing.

So I am horrible and catty and mean but is anyone else secretly pleased by the fact that Katie Holmes really looks pretty bad pregnant? And I'm not just saying that because I'm pregnant. It does not suit her. Ha ha. Maybe the little tomkitten will be a total troll baby.

So, it is 80 degrees and sunny and Friday (Good one no less) and working is pure torture. Hence, two posts in two days. Lucky you! And, happy anniversary to wiscolizard. I wrote my first post exactly one year ago today.

oh, jeez. where to begin.

well, I will start with Monday becuase it's easy. I got on the bus in the afternoon and it was kind of crowded. I found a seat in the back next to a young man. This young man, like so many before him, has convinced himself that there is absolutely postively no way he can sit even with his legs in the same area code, therefore he has them spread apart, taking up approximately 1.3 seats. I sit down, figuring I merit at least 0.5 inches of concession space. But no. He sits there, taking up all his space acting as though if he were to move his legs even the tiniest bit closer together he risked massive injury to his giant member. Which, of course, is totally not the case and I don't need to do anything but look at him to know. But still. SO, I am sitting there somewhat precariously balanced half on my seat, half in the aisle thinking "what a douche". So I look over at him thinking perhaps I can shame him into ceding the part of the seat that is rightfully mine, and I notice he's wearing sunglasses. Which I always think is unnecessary on the back of a bus, but whatever. But they aren't cool sunglasses. They're risky business sunglasses. And on the side they are embossed in silver with the words "Sea Striker". At first I think I have no idea what that even means. But then I decide it means "I am trying really hard to look cool in dorky sunglasses. " Striker! And then I notice his sweater. It's atrocious. It's a cross between Mr. Rogers and Bill Huxtable. A multi-colored striped cardigan. That, in true 1993 fashion, is about three sizes too big. So then I am really annoyed by this guy because he's a huge dork who's trapped in 90s fashion and is being obnoxious. I sent evil vibes his way they whole way home.

So, I have a confession. I'm pregnant. I know what you're thinking: oh great, now this blog is going to get even MORE boring because she's just going to talk about her feet swelling and craving pickles. But I promise that I will try very very hard not to do that. But what I realize is that some things that happen to me now are funny because I am pregnant, so I thought it was useful to include. And I am already like five months so you have mercifully missed more than half of it. So anyway, given that I am five months pregnant I expect people to be nice to me about things like seats on a bus but let me tell you: it is totally not working. I heard that everyone is really nice to you when you're pregnant but so far I am finding everyone to be average nice, at best. For example, I checked in to a hotel in Washington, DC a couple of days ago and although I had requested a non-smoking room they gave me a smoking room with a window that looked out on another building and therefore did not get a single drop of sunlight and was in such a little fortress that my cell phone did not even work. Thanks. I really appreciate it.

Anwyay, let's just say that you can tell I'm pregnant. Especially if you knew me before. But, as I have mentioned, the people I work with are not the most socially adept. So a couple of weeks ago a friend of mine at work mentioned to a colleague, who has known me since the day I moved here almost five years ago, that I was pregnant. This came as news to him. He sees me every day. And he claims to be clueless. Then he says "well, I probably didn't hear about it becuase I left a day early for spring break". Spring break was about two weeks ago. Everyone here has known that I am pregnant for about two months. And I wanted to say "no, you didn't know because you are completely self absorbed and never bothered to look at me once during any of the five times per day you pass me in the hallway." Honestly. There's a grad student here who's about 8 months pregnant. She's giant. You can't miss it. Her stomach has its own weather system. She walked in to a room with this same guy, talked to someone, and walked out. The person she talked to had to TELL him that she was pregnant after she left. They said "Did you look at her? She's HUGE." He claims he doesn't like to judge. I say he is absolutely totally compulsively bizarrely not paying attention.

So then there's this other young female professor who's my age more or less. The other day she says to me "wow! you're really getting big" which is I guess supposed to be some kind of weird pregnancy-related compliment but if you're thinking of handing it out I would say, um, don't. Anyway, I said yeah, that it was getting hard because I don't fit in my clothes, blah blah. So she asked if the jeans I was wearing were maternity jeans, which they were to which she responded "Wow! Soon you're not even going to fit into those clothes!" So I shot her. The end.

Get this: I almost won my NCAA tournament pool. I cannot tell you how happy this would have made me. But, I fell one game short. I needed LSU to beat UCLA and I would have won. As it was, I came in second by 8 points which is really pretty friggin good. But still. To be able to win $140 for my obsession? How fantastic. But now I totally have new credibility with all the old ag guys in my building. They thought I was just another secretary until I whooped it up in the pool. So now they're all nice to me. Awesome. The guy who won didn't even know what he was going to do with his winnings. Clearly he doesn't need the money if he hadn't even thought about it. I was, however, able to convince him that he needed to bring us donuts which he did. I also invited him and some other friends over to watch the game. He brought homemade chicken wings. I dislike chicken wings in general, but this experience also firmly cemented my belief that there are certain things that you should just buy, not make. Like chicken wings. And sushi.

Last weekend we went out to a local bar for the hockey national tournament finals, as Wisconsin was in the game. I don't care much for hockey, though I couldn't say exactly why. But anyway, coming from a warm place we just really didn't do hockey. So we went to this bar and it was so much fun. It was like being at the actual hockey arena. The bar has all the music they play at games. Everyone does the cheers that they do at the arena. And every time they scored the place went absolutely nuts. And I have to say that it warmed my heart and made me love Wisconsin. Because truthfully you have to love hundreds of people packed into a brat house cheering in front of tvs like total maniacs, wasted out of their minds at 7pm on a Saturday for a hockey game dancing like fools to that song "Jump Around". So they play Jump Around at football games. And the entire student section literally jumps around. They made some renovations to the stadium a couple of years ago which changed the structure and some test indicated that maybe it wasn't safe to jump around anymore. They literally tested it for what happens when the entire student section jumps. So they banned it. They didn't play the song and people protested so they fixed the stadium and now you can jump around to your heart's content. And that is absolutely hilarious.

My friend emailed me to tell me he thought his girlfriend was cheating on him. So he asked her. And she was. But she said it wasn't just physical, she was actually attached to this other person emotionally. And apparently for him that somehow made it better. For me that makes it much, much worse. So now they are going to give it another shot. If it were me, there would be no more shots. Am I crazy?

I have a black thumb. I have slowly killed off every plant in my office save one. It's actually quite sad. Perhaps I should buy fake plants.