is it just me?

This morning I was driving baby Liz to daycare, and I notice a car with a bunch of stickers on the back one set of which spells 'bastard'. But the stickers are kind of tiny and (super safe mom driver that I am) I passed him before I could read them. And then. And then....I notice that there are much larger stickers on the side of his tiny toyota. They read "In my opinion Joseph Frederick Somethingorother Is Not My BASTARD Son either." WHAT? And then, in smaller font "I will pay for DNA test but they won't allow it." Holy hannah that is one of the craziest things I have ever seen. Remember - these are stickers. On his car. That he drives around in. You can see the guy, who actually looks kind of normal in a Madison sort of way, and here he wants to tell you and all the other commuters his very personal business. And I feel bad for Joseph whoever too, since there is a person in the world who is so desperate to prove that he is NOT his father that he spelled out a message about it on the side AND back of his car. Wow. What would you think if you worked with that guy? What do the drive thru bank tellers say about him when he drives away? How many accidents has he caused since people are momentarily dumbstruck after reading his car? Yikes. I think he needs to work on his anger issues.

TURKEY
We went bowling last night for girls' night out. Good times. Bowling is great. It's fun even if you aren't good at it, and bowling alleys are such deliciously tragic places. The beer, the bad food, the motley clientèle. I love it. Anyway, I had to laugh at the bartender who was thinking she was super cool and flirting with all her customers. So, I know being a bartender is kind of a cool job and being a chick bartender is maybe cooler, but being a chick bartender at a bowling alley on a Thursday? Not so high on the awesomeness list. Sorry. But, she was having a great time. But the best part was as we were finishing up bowling this really short, fat woman wearing a headset comes out and says "When you're all done bowling, join us in the bar for karaoke! It's going to be lots of fun!" hahaha. She was the karaoke DJ and she had this posterboard sign that said Troubadour Karaoke or something (it was all very 7th grade science project). How funny. If I had been in the mood to get totally wasted then maybe, just maybe, I could have gotten into it. But as was, I was definitely NOT participating in two bit bowling alley karaoke. haha.

However, it gave me a pleasant flashback to this restaurant I worked at one summer in college. The owners wanted to own a cool bar but the truth was our restaurant was tiny and located in a strip mall and was extremely optimistically named "Almost Paradise" which is most decidedly was not. Anyway, the owner decided that one way to attract bar patrons (which tend to be lucrative) was to have karaoke. So, we did. And lord was it awful. No one came. Maybe 4-5 people. And I would have to work until like 1am just for those people, none of whom even rang up huge bar tabs which is just about the only thing that would have made it worth it. There were these two guys, one black and one white, who would come in together every week. They introduced themselves (and I swear I am not making this up) as Elvis and Michael Jackson, and boy did they like to sing. A lot. We offered super cheap Michelob drafts, and Elvis would order one and MJ would have an iced tea and they would sit there all night and sing and sing and sing. It was excruciating. I used to beg them to let me at least drink while I was on shift, but it never worked. Ah, memories. Seems like just yesterday I was wearing that cheesy tropical colored t-shirt and trying to sell people on the Key West shrimp. RIP, Almost Paradise.

have a great weekend.

despite the fact that it is nearly June. What a drag.

Anyway, I went to nice sunny Virginia to see my family, including all four of babylizard's cousins. She had a great time running around and playing with new toys and eating birthday cake (not hers) and all that jazz. In fact she had so much fun that the day after we got home she took a four hour nap. How delicious for all involved. Rather than do something productive like unpack, I decided to enjoy this Memorial Day indulgence by sitting in front of the tv and watching a bad movie in the middle of the afternoon. Because once you have a kid you don't get to do things like that very often. So, happy memorial day to us. Oh, and thanks soldiers. You are doing a great job.

how young is too young?
I have often wondered how long I have to wait until my child is old enough to walk the dog for me. I don't mean hold the leash when we walk, but actually go out on her own. I think I probably have to wait a long time. But the other day I saw something that made me realize there are so many chores I haven't thought about. While walking the dog, I saw a dad walking next to his kid who was on a bike. The kid's bike had one of those trailers that usually people use to pull little kids around. You know, they look kind of like death trap-y tents on wheels? Anyway, I thought it was strange to have one of those on a kid bike, and I wondered what she was dragging. So I caught up with them and peeked inside, and it was filled with six big bags of groceries! That's right, the kid was hauling the groceries home. While at first this seemed a bit exploitative, I then started to look at is as pure genius. You are saving gas, the kid is getting exercise, and you don't have to haul groceries! So, baby Liz is for sure not ready for this, but I think I need to get creative about putting her to work. While she is very good at throwing things in the trash she really isn't pulling her weight around here. Do you think I could teach her to do laundry?

bratty kids
Yesterday at the park I overhead a mom saying she quit teaching because she hated being a disciplinarian. It will come as no surprise that her children were very poorly behaved. Her child wanted to use a toy that mine was using, and he came up and said "get off!" right in my face. Needless to say, I did not. I also did not attempt to disguise my contempt for this horrible behavior, which had his mother suitably embarrassed. However, if you do not have kids, listen closely. If you do not want to be a disciplinarian, do not have kids. I promise it will end badly.

forced socialization
someone thought it would be a good idea for the staff here to go out to lunch together. it wasn't a good idea. we don't really have anything to talk about, so there are lots of long silences. it's sort of excruciating, and hopefully after today everyone remembered why we don't do it more often. seriously. we sit there and make polite conversation about people's garden projects and their recent travels. bo-ring. big time. on the upside, on Thursdays at the place we went you get a free mini sundae with your lunch, which almost made talking about someone's kitchen renovation worthwhile. Almost.

I think it is fairly well established here that I am not all that nice of a person. That's not really fair. It's not that I'm mean, I'm just very judgmental. And if I don't like something, I am not going to pretend that I do. And if I don't like you, I probably am not going to pretend that I do that either. Unless, you know, you're my boss or my loan officer (both of whom I actually like and therefore don't have to pretend which makes my life easier). Anyway, recently I have heard of a few people getting divorced, and while this is definitely too bad for them, when I heard my instant reaction is 'well, I certainly couldn't be married to them, so I guess I am not too surprised that somebody else can't, either'. Which is a terrible, terrible thing to think. But sometimes, you know, it is not that hard to see how someone was married to someone and they drove each other crazy and couldn't live in the same house anymore. I mean, we are all hard to live with. I think if you are totally easy to live with then probably you are not that interesting of a person which is no better. I admit, I am not sure I could be married to myself. Fortunately for me my husband begs to differ. But some of us are harder than others of us, and I think if you are being honest with yourselves you know who you are.

Anyway, one of the moms of another kid in Baby Lizard's class was in there having a heart to heart with the teacher this morning when I dropped the liz off. It was kind of awkward, as I am sitting there filling out my daily sheet and putting away diapers, sort of trying not to eavesdrop, but seriously: what the hell else am I supposed to be doing? I can't even pretend to watch the kids play because they are all at the table eating breakfast. Anyway, she's asking the teacher to call if the dad ever tries to pick the kid up when she hasn't said he will be doing so, and a bunch of other domestic drama. Clearly she is about to cry and I am just trying to get the hell out of dodge. And I feel bad for her. I mean, here she is with a one year old kid that now she has to raise by herself. And I don't really care for her kid either. He's not cute or funny. He has some skin affliction and can't eat normal food and is always crying. And I feel like if you are going to have to be a single mom and maybe try to meet someone new, you deserve a cute kid to help you win them over. Not some crusty problem child who most people are going to kind of not want to touch. (Yep. Going to hell. Just in case there was any doubt.) But seriously, moving on with your life when you have kids has got to be really hard. It is hard enough to meet someone new and pick up the pieces if you aren't trying to do that while doing one billion other things, including taking care of your kids. So, I feel bad for her. I do. But I can't say I find it shocking that someone else can't live with her. She seems like a miserable person, and hopefully for her it was some jerk of a husband who was making her miserable and is now gone, and she is actually much more enjoyable than I thought and will live a long happy life with someone else. Just not me.

I saw another one of the recent divorcees at a kid's birthday party a couple of weeks ago. I don't really know her very well, and haven't seen her in a few months. I walk up to the party and she says "Lizard, this is boyfriend Thomas. Boyfriend. Thomas. This is Lizard." Got it. He's your boyfriend. Congratulations. I wonder how long he will last being introduced as Boyfriend. Thomas. Because that would have me out the door pretty quick. I wonder if she's going brand him. Or make him wear a t-shirt that says "taken" or something. Good luck to that poor guy because that woman is a force to be reckoned with, and not in a good way. She's one of those people who likes to make you feel like a really deficient parent (and person in general), and all I can think is 'I hope you are saving up now for all the therapy your kid is going to need when she's older.' Yes, her child is very impressive and uses big words and eats healthy food and that other crap. But well and adjusted are not two words that will soon be uttered to describe either of them. eek.

that's all. That's a lot of meanness for a Monday morning. Perhaps I need to relax. heh.

I actually have a degree in economics. I don't use it, and I am not sure how I ever convinced anyone to give it to me, but there you have it. Anyway, I remember practically nothing from my studies, but I DO know a thing or two about supply and demand. Let's take the case of my house. Supply is low, there is just one like it. Demand, apparently, was very high and lots of people wanted to buy it from me. Which means 1) I get to set the price and as long as someone will pay it that price is not too high, and 2) buyers, that means I have what you want. These two facts did not prevent either of the following:

1) A guy I worked with asked if I had sold my house. I informed him that I had. He was surprised, and asked if I got my asking price. I informed that I had gotten higher than asking. He, a professional economist who ostensibly teaches impressionable young minds about economics says, "I can't believe you charged such an ungodly amount of money for your house." Um...interesting. I mean, I guess it is fair to say that you are surprised that someone was willing to pay that, but he said it in such a tone that implied it was somehow my fault that someone paid me a lot for my house. So I mentioned this to my boss thinking for sure he would back me up on the whole "the house is worth whatever someone will pay for it" thing, and he said "Yeah, I think it's pretty ridiculous too. But I guess if you want to take people's money that's capitalism." WHAT?! I finally actually follow economic law and now am being criticized for it? Was I supposed to sell my house for a cheap price to be nice? Or so people would feel like they got a deal? Um, no. I am supposed to take advantage of the fact that I have a good product, and charge lots of money for it. Duh. Just ask Apple.

2) Someone called me yesterday to ask about the house. She says she is very interested, and will I please call her back. Then her husband calls. He will be easier to reach. They are very interested. Please call back. Then the wife calls AGAIN (all of this during work hours, so it should be no great shock I am not at home) and says (to recap) that she called and her husband called and they are very interested. Please call back. Hold on. Just to be clear - you're interested in the house? And you want me to call back? OKAY! So, I did. And I told them the bad news which is that I already sold the house. I said of course these things can fall through and we should know in 3-4 weeks, and I would be happy to put her name on the list of people to call if it does. (Seriously. I have a running list of people to call if the sale falls through. Despite my avariciously high price and shameless capitalism.) I explain we are not currently giving showings because, well, the place is sold. Then she starts being mean! She asks me "How am I supposed to know if I am interested if you won't show it?" And I thought 'I don't really care if you're interested.' I ALREADY SOLD IT. And I turned down someone who offered me more than I was asking. So, not only do I have what you want, it's not even available to you. And yet, somehow, I am in the wrong? She asks if it would be possible to just offer more, and I think the answer to that is no. Legally, now that I have told these other people I will sell it to them for the price offered, I am not allowed to change my mind. A drag, perhaps, but there you have it. So, she acts kind of disgusted and tells me I can call her if something happens. Wow. That's so nice of you. Thanks for playing.

right. so. where were we? First, LA. It's nice there. When you go almost anywhere warm from Wisconsin in the less warm months, the new place seems to be in technicolor. It's kind of crazy. It was gorgeous and sunny the whole time, and we enjoyed the sea air and the palm trees. You know you live somewhere with good weather when people complain at 68 degrees that it is "too chilly" and then complain at 79 degrees that it is "too hot". Yes, no one in LA is happy unless it is exactly 74 and sunny all the time, apparently. Spoiled brats. The people in LA were not quite as LA-ish as I had imagined them to be. I mean sure, people are in general thinner, tanner and better dressed than here in America's dairyland, but it is not the non-stop glamourville that I had pictured. Perhaps I need to watch less television? I'll be honest, I didn't make it to Hollywood, so perhaps had I been there I would feel differently. And I did feel a bit zaftig at the wedding, but someone there who is actually kind of famous told me she loved my dress (score!) so it can't have been all bad. Said famous person also brought her kids, and I was somewhat consoled by the fact that even kids of famous people act kind of bratty at weddings. Overall they were very well behaved, but they did cause their mother to have to leave in the middle of the ceremony (the main reason I didn't want to bring my kid to the wedding) so what US Weekly says is true - stars: they really ARE just like us. Kind of.

Anyway, we got to see lots of friends and eat many many fish tacos and overall had a grand time. I can see why lots of my friends want to stay in LA, but I am pretty sure it's not for me. Too much traffic and driving. Too many people. And the houses are way too expensive.

before I forget
I was walking across campus the other day and some charming group of students was having an Israel day celebration. They had info booths, music, and tons of tiny Israeli flags. But my favorite part was that they had this giant bounce castle that was festooned with flags. haha. Because when I think of the crisis in the Middle East, I for SURE think of inflatable fun.

house for sale
so, the primary reason for my not posting is that I have been totally consumed by the process of selling my house. It is now sold (amen and hallelujah) so I have freed up some goofing off time. We have a really small house so in order for potential buyers to not feel like the walls were closing in around them and be in danger of being buried in an avalanche of tennis rackets and camping equipment when they opened the closets, we spent two weeks getting most of the stuff out of our house. And let me say, it is very nice and roomy in there now! We put all the stuff in a POD which is now at some mystery storage site close to the interstate (I'm guessing that's where it is). I cannot say enough good things about PODS. The clever people who came up with that are tops in my book. Unfortunately, every day I think of something else that is in the POD that I sort of wish was here with me, but oh well. Nothing that I really can't live without until we move in July and get the POD back. The worst part is that in a fit of optimism on a warm day I packed up all my sweaters. Every single one. And then it got cold. So I wear the same zip up hoodie to work every other day, alternating with weather-inappropriate attire and freezing my butt off. It's been a lot of fun.

So, once we got the place all spruced up we had an open house. We decided to sell the place ourselves (because we are crazy gluttons for punishment) which meant I got to deal with all the open house crazies in person. We got our first stalker just days after listing the house. He emailed asking to see it early, and we said no. He emailed back saying nothing much more compelling than "please?" and we said no. Then he emailed AGAIN saying he had just stopped by our house and looked in the windows and "are you not at home"? Um...NO. First of all, we are at work like normal people in the middle of a weekday. Secondly, even if we were home, I can guarantee you the house was not ready to show at that exact moment. So, at that point I decided he was a total stalker and made him leave us alone. He showed up at the open house and acted extremely judgmental about the house. He complained about the lack of garage (clearly stated in the listing) and wondered why there were no screen doors. He said some things were too small, and then my favorite...he looked around the dining room and said "Why are the walls green?" Well...I...because...well....um...you see....I was standing there desperately trying to think of a polite answer to that question (I am trying to sell the place after all) and all I could come up with was "we thought it set it off nicely from the living room" to which he replied "huh". At that point I was more than ready for him to make a hasty exit which he eventually did, without saying thank you or goodbye.

We got a lot of interesting comments, most of them very complimentary. One lady said our decision not to update the cabinets (which are original and designed by the architect) "interesting" and clearly not in a good way. People say that things are "different", also not in a good way. But phooey to them because we got several offers and sold the place in under a week. So there. It is super weird to be standing in your house and have all these people looking around, opening your cabinets, flushing your toilets, etc. I actually had one person who stood there and waited for the water to run hot and which point she reported to her husband "hot water works!" And I wanted to say 'do you honestly think I live her with a baby and no dishwasher and no hot water?' Believe me, I have spent time boiling water for a hot bath and it is not something I want to do on a regular basis. I live three miles from downtown, in a very residential area and someone asked us if we were on the city water/sewer system. I was tempted to tell them no, and point out that what LOOKS like a pond in the backyard is actually a well, and all the faucets are for show. You have to pull your own water. I would be very curious to know the ratio of people who came to people who were actually in the market for a new house. I think it is probably distressingly low, which is why our real estate agent friend told us open houses aren't worth anything. But, it worked for us, which is good because if I had to show my house every day for the next month I would probably kill someone. And my dog would be REALLY tired of living in the trunk of my car.

Anyway, it has been an experience. Not one I am sure I would recommend to anyone, but still kind of fun. Especially since it worked. I have a little bit of fun gloating when I get mail (everyday) from some realtor saying "Congratulations on trying to sell your home yourself! When it doesn't work out, give us a call!" ha. Not so fast, suckers. But I will say this: real estate is not for the faint of heart, or for the risk averse. Being quite risk averse and somewhat faint of heart, it has taken its toll on me, but I think it is nothing that a few cocktails and some good sleep can't cure.

other than that
I really need to get my notebook. because I saw about a million things to post here in the last month, and now "poof!" as my brain has officially turned to scrambled eggs. sigh.