is it just me?

here are five things that don't make you better than me:

1. you eat fruit for dessert
2. you don't watch television
3. you ride your bike to work
4. you don't drink soda
5. you've read all the books on that dumb facebook list

so off your sanctimonious wagons, people. I'm over it.

tag, you're it
I have been meaning to post forever about laser tag. I have a group of friends and we go out once a month for girls' night. Usually this just involves dinner and drinks (right up my alley!) but some people like to spice it up. We tried karaoke which was kind of a bust because it was super early and we were not nearly drunk enough and the bar was empty. And then a couple months ago someone picked laser tag. And I will admit, at first I thought 'I think I have to wash my hair' because I am really not a laser tag kind of person. In fact, anyone who knows me is probably chuckling at the mere idea of my playing laser tag. I am much more tag sale than I am laser tag (actually, maybe not - I have no idea what a tag sale is but you get my drift). But, I decided that the world is more fun if you will try anything once, so I did. We went to the place which is staffed by geeky guys who probably play a LOT of laser tag. They take you into this room and explain the rules, though not very well, but they tell you how to get points. Then you get a vest and a codename. Mine was Cobra, which I think is not very fitting because I pretty much never do anything that even vaguely resembles striking. I am kind of lazy. I am not stealthy. I hate running. And I am not very competitive. HOWEVER, I am not stupid and I am a good listener and rule follower. And they told me that if I shot out the base I got a shit ton of points. So I went in there and had a blast shooting my friends but I also shot out the bases. Lots of them. AND I WON. And it devastated the planner of the game since she was sure she would kick my ass (as was I) but I came home and proudly displayed my score sheet that said GAME RANK:1 and made everyone call me Cobra. And I will say this: laser tag is super fun. Go play. You will like it.

dedication
If you are a smoker these days, you really need to be dedicated to smoking. I mean, really dedicated. Because you can't do it anywhere comfortable outside your own home. No more casual cigarettes at the bar with your drink. No more after dinner smokes. No sir, you will need to put on your jacket, and move your butt (both kinds) outside. There is a lady who works in a building somewhere around me who is very devoted to smoking. She surely has been smoking since the days when you could light up in the operating room and no one would bat an eye, but she does not let the ordinance bother her. Every single day, I see her sitting in the same spot on the same bench, smoking. This winter when there was tons of snow she cleared out a little spot for herself, and I think even had something to sit on to protect her from the frozen bench. Today it was raining and here she was with her cigarette and her umbrella. And a book. She always has a book. She must get a LOT of reading done, because she is already out there for her first break at 9am, and I promise that's not her last. So, Phillip and Morris should thank her kindly because that kind of dedication is rare in this day and age.

grammar police
I'm not even sure if this is a grammar issue, and in general I am not picky. My grammar is bad. It has its faults. However, there is this one Wisconsin thing that really, really drives me crazy. Very crazy. I understand there are regional differences in vocabulary. You know, bubbler instead of water fountain, parking ramp instead of parking garage, pop versus soda. That's fine. It's endearing. It makes America more interesting. But around here people say borrow when what they mean is lend. For example "Can you borrow me your pen?" I know what your thinking: "WTH? That makes no sense." And you're right. It makes no sense. And I still get confused when people say it. Yesterday I was walking to my car and this kid is on his cell phone saying "Yeah, you remember how I borrowed him $300 last semester? Well, he finally finished paying me back." People. This is not a cute regional difference. This is improper use of the word borrow, and it must be stopped. Immediately. Thank you. Oh, and if I ever catch me, Mr. Lizard, Baby Liz or El Segundo using the word in that way, we are moving immediately.

facebook
It has been a while since I posted a facebook grievance. My current pet peeve? People who post lots of self portraits. Seriously, I have three "friends" (and in facebook land I use that word very, very loosely) who do this all the time. I don't need to see 20 pictures you took of yourself from different angles. I really don't. And neither does anyone else. And to the girl from high school who posts a motivating quote every day? Stop it. Please. (I know, I should just hide her but I keep thinking maybe one day she will make me laugh. That's really all I want from anyone.)

and she went to a bachelorette party. And at the party there were games, and if you won games you got prizes. So this friend of mine wins a little vibrator, and wrapped up in the package is a brochure 'Tips for First Time Vibrator Users'. So, because she is drunk my friend throws this stuff in her purse, and pulls it out a few days later. She puts the vibrator away but somehow leaves the brochure on the bed. Which wouldn't matter until a contractor comes by that very afternoon to look at redoing her bathroom and walks through the bedroom. And he probably wouldn't have noticed except for my (I mean my FRIEND's) two year old picks it up and says "what's this mama?" and mama says "oh, nothing" and throws it on the bedside table upside down. So perhaps all would have been forgotten except then two year old carries it in to the bathroom where mama is talking to said contractor and says "can I color on this?" and mama says "yes, you can color on it using only the beet red of my face." Poor friend.