is it just me?

I was at the doctor's office yesterday. I took a nasty spill and needed to make sure I didn't break part of my hand. You will all be relieved to know that I did not. Anyway, I got in the elevator to head down to x-ray. We stopped on the second floor and a prisoner got on. He was wearing arm and leg shackles, and was accompanied by two guards. Now, elevators are kind of awkward places anyway. You're in this tiny box that's hurtling through space, standing much closer to strangers than you would ever choose to, trying to find a neutral space to gaze at, wondering who smells, and desperately hoping not to get stuck. Now do that with a convicted felon in there with you. It's kind of hard to act anything close to natural. I am trying to appear not to notice that his hands and legs are bound together (I am sure that worked. I have a very convincing face.). So I am looking at the list of what's on each floor. This gentleman got on on the second floor. The only thing there is opthamology and the eyeglass store. I guess I am glad to know that you get the gift of corrected eyesight even if you're in prison, but for some reason it struck me as kind of funny. I mean, do they really need to see all that well? I guess maybe they want to read or something. But I sort of figured that you didn't necessarily have a current eye prescription if you were in jail. So I got my xray, went back to the third floor, got checked out byt he doctor, was on my way back down when, on the second floor, ANOTHER prisoner gets on, in shackles, with two guards. This guy bears a strange resemblance to don king but is wearing those funny glasses they give you when they dialate your eyes. Apparently yesterday was "take your prisoner to the eye doctor day". So, confronted with another elevator trip I pretended to be deeply involved in the bus schedule. I think he totally bought it.

you're the expert

So, as I mentioned I went to the doctor to have my hand checked out. Why is it that if you go to the doctor and nothing is wrong with you they act kind of exasperated? I mean, how am I supposed to accurately self diagnose? I didn't go to medical school. That's your job. How should I know if my finger is broken? It's swollen to something nearing twice it's normal size and it's a color normally reserved for varicose veins. It is not pretty, people. But is it broken? How the hell should I know? I feel like this all the time when I go to the doctor. Now, I understand that the other part (and perhaps more important than diagnosis) is the curing part, but still. I shouldn't feel bad because I don't have xray vision, or know what migraines really feel like, or whatever else. If it's so easy that I should know exactly what's wrong with me why did you have to go to school for eight extra years? Dumbass.

You know who else does this? Computer people. They are a little different though. They like to ask you questions like "did you defrag your mother board?" just to make you feel tiny before they actually fix your computer which is doing something really sophisticatedly complicated like not printing. (Okay, so if any computer people read this they are probably thinking "Silly Lizard, you can't defrag a mother board". Obviously I have no idea what I am talking about.) And when they fix it and you are happy they act extremely superior. I find this tiresome.

But the worst of all are those punkass high schoolers who work in video and record stores. Why do they all have to be such condescending assholes? Now, for social reasons I prefer to patronize the local record stores. I'd rather buy my stuff from them than, say, Sam Goody (the lowest of the low). But all the people that work there are so awful. If you dare buy anything that they (horror of all horrors) play on the radio station, they'll take your money but not before they make you feel like a commercialized piece of trash that couldn't have an independent thought if your life depended on it. Recently I was purchasing the new Bruce Springsteen album for my dad for father's day (he really liked it). As the guy says "Is there anything else?" he has this look on his face that says "shoot me now". The people in the movie stores are the same. At my local video store all the kids think they are so cool (apparently they never got the memo about people who work in video stores). No matter what I rent they read off the title with a tone that says "another asshole who watches popular movies". Don't these people realize that there aren't enough people in the world who listen to Death Cab for Cutie and only watch Iranian slasher movies to pay their salary? That all those people who love Charlies Angels are what make their tiny world go round? judge not lest ye be judged, kiddies, judge not.