is it just me?

I know I said I didn’t care what I looked like in my driver’s license photo, but you know what? I lied. Because it is a truly, truly terrible picture and I hate it. I spent the entire drive home trying to figure out a way to ‘lose’ my license so I could get a new one without a lot of hassle. I appear to be approximately 300lbs and am smiling like Fire Marshall Bill. However, in my defense it was not poor shirt selection or lazy showering that got me into this mess. I blame the photo taker. I think they purposely found the most distracting person in Madison and got him to take the pictures just so everyone looked even more terrible. Now, I am all for equal opportunity hiring, and I think it is quite clever the way a person with no hands (no kidding) can operate the camera. He has a hook on one hand, and nothing on the other, though he uses a partial thumb to type. He has one of the craziest mullets you have ever seen, with short puffy jet black hair on top and then brushed out curly hair that hangs most of the way down his back. PEOPLE. How am I supposed to look natural while staring at this guy who calls everyone “Miss First Name” (“Miss Marcia? Here we go Miss Marcia. Now I want you to look right at that flashing yellow light. Thank you Miss Marcia. That will be ready in two minutes!” ) has somewhat crossed eyes and warring teeth and apparently cannot bend his knees? Truthfully, by the time it was my turn and I had watched five other people go through this I was so driven to distraction about how I was going to retrieve my license, which he serves to you on his non-hook hand like a waiter holds a tray, without accidentally grabbing him, that there was no way in hell I was going to look good in that picture. And yes, I am totally going to hell. But I am taking that driver’s license photo with me so it can burn.

Call me whatever you want

There is a lovely woman in our neighborhood who is really friendly and has a really friendly dog and I see her all the time and I have no idea what her name is. I mean, we don’t really know each other but we sort of act like we do, which I guess is weird, but kind of neighborly. Anyway, the other day she was out in her yard and my dog stopped to sniff her dog and her husband came over. She said “Have you met my husband Ishmael?” to which the answer is: no, I have not because if I had ever met anyone named Ishmael I would certainly remember. Haha. The funny part is that she calls him Ish. Though, if you think about it, running around calling anyone Ishmael all day is probably more than a person could take.

Tradeoffs

One of the extremely unfortunate characteristics of my office is that it is right next to the men’s bathroom, which means both a lot of of coming and going and overhearing things that I am not particularly interested in overhearing. Anyway, yesterday two guys were having a conversation in there while using the restroom, and I thought to myself: while I DO sort of envy the ability to pee standing up, I do not envy the possibility of having to talk to my co-workers while doing so.

Lose the lbs in just 30 days!

I saw a little online ad the other day telling me that they had discovered Oprah’s diet secret. However, my scrupulous weekly reading of gossip magazines tells me that her secret is a thyroid condition. So, I am not exactly sure how they are ‘selling’ that. However, I am sure it will have you looking terrific in your new neon bikini in a matter of days.

posted by wiscolizard  # 10:11 AM