is it just me?

Here at work there is this kind of skeevy maintenance man. You know the type: he's super friendly, chats up all the ladies, and something about him kind of makes you want to take a shower. Anyway, he used to come around and talk to me all the time which was unfortunate. Now I rarely see him, but he stops by every once in a while. Last summer he came in asking me to go get ice cream with him. I said "I can't". He said, "You can't, or you don't want to?" Um...isn't asking that against the rules? Obviously if you are asking you know that I can and I just don't want to, so by asking that question you are either making me admit that I don't want to get ice cream with you, which is awkward for everyone, or forcing me to lie more strenuously which, of course, is exactly what I did.

Anyway, he stopped by yesterday. Yippee. He said he was walking out of the building next door and a bat flew right at him. (It's funny, until I just typed that it didn't seem completely bizarre. Just another sign of the shambles my life has become.) Anyway, discussing bats led to a discussion of wildlife which led him to tell me about this tame squirrel that used to hang around his house. It would eat peanuts out of his mouth. Mmmmhmmmm. I challenge you to find an engaging response to that. And then he says "Yeah he used to even eat..." (peers conspiratorially out the door) now whispering "those nigger toes. What do you call them things?" Holy hell at this point I am dumbfounded. I have no idea what nigger toes are and I certainly do not wish this word to be used in my office. I regretfully inform him I haven't the foggiest idea what he's talking about. He says "You know, in the mixed nuts? the big ones? Nigger toes." "Brazil nuts?" I ask totally half heartedly really wishing the fire alarm would go off. No, that's not it apparently. OI. I am from Virginia and so one would think I might be familiar with such slang but I am pleased to report that I am not. Interesting, when I recounted this story to Mr. Lizard he looks at me and says "oh, brazil nuts. isn't that awful? I can't believe people still call them that." What, is this some sort of weird Midwestern thing? Like grape jelly and shrimp sauce on your meatballs? Jeepers. I am just here to say that if you happen to use that most distasteful term for brazil nuts, please do not do it anymore. Please.

mom of the year
yeah, I'm not winning this year. And that's okay. But I was reading this kind of high end mom magazine that I get and I have decided I should cancel my subscription (which I don't remember getting anyway) because it is bad for my psyche. Not only am I not raising my child toxic free, according to this magazine I should be doing so in designer frocks, carrying my it bag, making my own organic baby food, while volunteering to save the world in my free time. It has this article about three things to do with an ingredient you (allegedly) have laying around. A few months ago it was "So you have some swiss chard." This month it's "So you have an eggplant." Right. Because those are always the things I have laying around my house. And then each recipe calls for ten other things I don't have laying around. For me this should say "So, you have some pasta, a little bit of ketchup, and pickles." Or something like that. And desperation meals are not homemade baba ghanouj. Honestly. The other thing is they are always featuring interior designers who live in totally sick lofts with their two kids and somehow the whole place looks designery and awesome. And then you look at your kid's room and you feel sad. So, I think I will cancel. I don't need to pay for this kind of psychological torment. I get plenty of that for free.

The other day my child was stuck on loop and it was driving me mildly batty because we were in the car and she was so cranky and I just wanted to hit the mute button. And I said "ugh - I could kill her right now" and my husband said "don't say that" which is totally right. I shouldn't say it. But then I started thinking that I am not sure how anyone actually kills their child. I mean, I will give her my last bite of toast even when I am starving and I will play the same game eight billion times and even though sometimes she makes my head hurt I could never ever intentionally do a single mean thing to her ever. But I will admit that it was just a little sad for me the other day when I realized the day had come for me to watch my mouth. When we were training our puppy our trainer said "Say whatever you want to your puppy, just say it in a nice voice." And it was great advice because when you are inevitably about to wring their tiny puppy neck because they peed inside/ate your shoe/ ran away/ etc you can just sweetly say "you little piece of shit you know I could take you right back where you came from!" and as long as you say it nicely they just wag their tail and hope you have snacks. Which you do. And this worked for the baby liz for a while too. You could sing songs like "If I have to change one more diaper I'm gonna lose my mind" or "Nobody knows where the neighbor guy went." But the other day she was doing something that was getting really tiresome and I smiled at her and said "You're making mama cuckoo" and she looked right at me and said "Cuckoo." And now we have to cross yet another dog training trick of the list as 'no longer appropriate for use with human puppy.' sigh. At least the food reward thing still totally works.