is it just me?

Which makes me better than you, apparently.

Did you know parenting is a competitive sport? Well, once you have kids you will find this out. All of a sudden people you barely know will be interested in what your child can (and perhaps more importantly, can’t) do and all of this will be put on a secret scorecard next to their child. They will also hold you responsible for the fact that your child is not interested in walking or didn’t choose broccoli as their first food. The worst part about this is the psychological havoc it wreaks on new, sleep-deprived, fragile moms. You will quickly fill yourself with guilt and worry about whether or not you are doing the absolute most correct best possible thing for your child at all times. You will find yourself punishing yourself for how much they like graham crackers (oh, the empty calories!) or how bad they are at writing the letter y (goodbye, Harvard!). You will be sure that the fact that you never purchased an exersaucer is the reason your baby still isn’t walking, or the fact that you did purchase an exersaucer is why they are flat-footed. I mean, it is ENDLESS.

And if you stay home with your kids you want me to know that this means you love them more than people who work, and if you work you want me to know how amazing your childcare is. And if we both work then you want to prove to me that your childcare is better than mine. The problem with all of this, other than the fact that it is a) boring and b) annoying, is that it makes us all feel bad. In fact, we all feel bad a lot of the time, even though we really have nothing to feel bad about. I, like everyone else, am doing the best I can. With my life, with my kids’ lives, with keeping it all together. And sadly, I don’t get stars on my chart for all the great things I do, but that doesn’t mean I need to go around begging for those stars, or making you feel bad for not doing the same.

Moms love to say things like ‘oh, I don’t even know what that is – we don’t watch tv’ or ‘we don’t do juice’ or ‘I only believe in rewards that don’t cost money’. And if it was presented simply as information, that would be fine. But it isn’t – it comes with the insinuation that this puts them on some sort of higher moral ground. Am I glad my kid likes broccoli? Sure I am. It’s good for her. I believe in vitamins. Do I need to tell you about it? Nope. Is it necessary to make you feel bad that your kid doesn’t? Nope. My younger child eats about five foods in the whole world, and you can bet that none of them are broccoli. In fact, they are all white or beige. Or candy. So, I know that it is not some miracle of great parenting that has led my older one to eat vegetables. She likes vegetables. Hooray for her, but far be it from me to judge you by your kids.

I just find that I get so exhausted by the looks people give and the things people say . Yes, I did just give my kid that sandwich he threw on the floor of this dirty restaurant. Yes, I am going to drag her out of her kicking and screaming about how I am not her friend (thanks for that, Baby Liz. We were at the LIBRARY). You know why? Because that is what works, or at least what works for me right now. And we all know that we have to do what gets us all through the day in one piece. Sometimes it is not pretty, but at the end of the day I did the best I could.

I participate in an early morning workout with a bunch of women. One of the reasons I like it so much is that while it is competitive in a healthy way (can you catch the person in front of you on the hill?) it is not competitive in a judgmental way. I may weigh 50lbs less than you but you might be able to do 20 more pushups than I can. Some are faster, some are stronger, but everyone is doing their best. People are encouraging, and supportive, and fun. We actually high five with straight faces! We encourage each other and push each other. It is almost completely judgment-free. And I think so much of that is missing from our relationships, with our friends, with other parents. My good friends don’t try to compete with me, but the everyday casual encounter (or facebook status update) has become this relentless one-upsmanship that is wearing on us all.

So go, feed your child homemade gazpacho made entirely from items that you grew yourself, and enjoy it! But don’t make me feel bad about my own choices. Stop keeping score, stop trying to make yourself feel better by making other people feel worse, and I think you’ll find that you are a lot happier.

Oh, and one more piece of homework: compliment more. None of us give enough compliments, and most of us are very self-deprecating about receiving them. So next time you notice that one of your friends looks like she’s lost weight (or has a good haircut, or a cute new sweater), tell her how good she looks! And if someone compliments you, don’t make excuses, don’t downplay your own success, just look them right in the eye and say ‘thanks!’ Try it. You’ll like it.