is it just me?

Friday, June 27, 2008

 

recombobulated

One thing I forgot to post about my last trip. I flew out of Milwaukee to save some cash, and this was the first time I have done that in a while. After you get through security, and are scooping up your bags, your shoes, your jacket, your shampoo, and whatever the hell else they want to look at now, they have this area with chairs labeled "Recombobulation Area". HAHA. Perfect. Because let's face it, at that point you are definitely discombobulated. Big time.

facebook revisited
Okay, so I know I said I hate facebook but I find it oddly addictive. Mostly I just like looking at people's pictures. It is very interesting the pictures that people decide to post, and let's face it: we are all nosy like that. If you could see random pictures of people you knew a million years ago, wouldn't you want to? It's like a reunion without all the awkward conversation. Anyway, this guy who lived in my neighborhood growing up but who I was never friends with (he was both younger than me and weird) added me as a friend. He's all "It's been a long time! What are you up to?" and I wanted to send him a message that said "We've never actually had a conversation. Why start now? Post some pictures." And then, he did. And, well, let's just say I have a feeling he's still weird. There are multiple pictures of him with girls, each of which LOOKS like it might be a girlfriend but there is only one picture of each. And it says the date, and they are all from conferences and such over the past four (!) years. So, I am going to go out on a limb and say no girlfriend, just trying to look popular. Which is really not working out for him. Then there are a couple of weird shots of him sitting at a desk working. Um...no one cares about your office. Then there is a picture of what I can only assume is his car, which is this big fat black Cadillac but not an Escalade, some sedan type thing. WTH. That's for your grandpa. And THEN there is a picture of him driving said car, clearly taken with a cell phone. So, after looking at that I felt kind of sad for him. But not nearly sad enough to get into a conversation.

Also, in a moment of facebook honesty my friend removed 'reading' from her list of interests and 'mostly foreign flicks' from her favorite movies. There, doesn't that feel better? Now go eat some bon bons and watch The Girls Next Door like you know you want to.

Oh, and I had lots of friends tell me that they loved Scrabulous which is online Scrabble. I tried it. I hate it. I will be honest, I hate Scrabble. I think this is because I used to play with my sister and my dad and they would be all "that's xyrgot on a triple word score for 69 points!" and I'm all "cat". And truthfully, when you play online it gets dragged on for days and days and you aren't even face to face. So, I don't like it. However, I won my game. So I think I shall retire from Scrabulous undefeated.

The above is why I will never, ever post this blog as my website on facebook. I cannot jeopardize such a valuable source of material.

awkward
As I mentioned here earlier, I did not have any trouble selling my house. This is mostly because it is 1) an awesome house and 2) in an excellent location. Last night I was at girls' night out and this woman whom I do not particularly care too much for asked me how I sold my house, because hers "has been on the market for months and she has had 20 showings and no sale". I don't really know how to answer this because the real answer is that my house is better than hers. And I don't say that to be superior, I say it as the real estate fact that it is. If you gave any real estate agent in town the choice of selling my house or hers, they would all pick mine. But then she confesses that her two year old is "running around" during the showings. Um...that's a problem. Though not as big of a problem as the fact that she lives on a not nice, busy street. She asked me why I was moving and I said because I needed more space and was moving to a bigger place. Which is true. Someone asked her why she was moving and she said because she can't afford the mortgage and she's moving in with her mother. And if that doesn't make you want to drink (and buy her one) I don't know what will. I would like to thank my lucky stars that I am not 32 years old and moving in to my mother's house with my husband and my two year old. yeesh.

make new friends
All summer long they have something here called SOAR which is new Student Orientation and Registration. It's mandatory, all incoming freshman have to come and sign up for classes and stuff. A lot of the activities are based at the union right near my office, where I often go for lunch. So I get to see all these awkward looking kids dressed to look as cool as they can, standing around wearing name tags and not talking to each other. It's hilarious. They all stand about 15 feet apart from one another and look like they both want someone to talk to them and like they would rather die than talk to anyone. And that, my friends, is a reason to be glad you aren't 18. There aren't many, but that's one. Being able to legally drink in a bar. That's two. See, it's not so bad being old.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

 

say what?

I was waiting to cross the street the other day and a bus passed by. It had a giant ad on the side with a picture of a woman falling into what looked like the world's largest pothole (seriously, she was in there all akimbo, but basically up to her waist) and the slogan said "It's not her fault, it's your asphalt." It was an ad for a paving company, and it has me befuddled. I mean, of course I get the pun on as-FAULT, but I still don't really get it. Or maybe I do get it and it's just not funny? It's weird, right? Anyway, pave your driveways so your friends don't fall in holes. Or something.

PEOPLE
It is well documented that I love People magazine. I read it every week. A couple weeks ago they had a little article on the prom, featuring portraits that someone has taken from all over the country. Anyway, I get to this one picture and the guy is not in a tux and the girl's dress isn't fancy. And I think, 'well, that's not very prom-like'. And then I look at the tagline and it's from MY high school! HA! First of all, my high school was not that big. Not tiny, but not huge. However, apparently prom is no longer formal? And truthfully, all the people looked kind of lame. When I went boys still wore tuxes. And lots of girls wore poofy, sparkly dresses. Not me, mind you. My prom dress was super lame. Super. But whatever. We were fancy. And now? Not so much. And it makes my town seem a little weird. In fact, the only person wearing a tux was a girl, who looked quite a bit like a boy if I am being honest, and her date, also a girl. Which didn't really bump us up at all on the typical prom normalcy scale. But maybe everyone else read that article and thought 'huh, that seems like an interesting place. maybe I will go there on vacation.' and you should, because it's nice there.

hello?
Here at my office we have an open door policy, for the most part, and if you are in your office, you leave your door open. Not everyone, of course. We have our recluses and our shut ins. But for the most part, the doors are open. What baffles me is this: people will come to a closed door, and stop. They will check the sign that says what office hours are. They will knock on the door and listen for an answer. All of this is normal enough. But THEN, and this is what I find unusual, many times they will test the doorknob to see if it is locked. Why? If the person is in there, clearly they do not want to talk to you and nothing good will come of the door opening. You will interrupt them. They might be in a compromising position (or in my case, napping on their office floor). Would you do this? If you went to someone's house, and it was dark, and you rang the bell and no one answered, would you try to open the door? (Well, you might if you were on CSI or Law and Order and thought they were in there dead, but otherwise?) Anyway, this has served as a reminder to me to lock my door whenever I want to be sure no one comes in.

Another strange thing is that twice in the last two weeks I have walked in on someone who did not lock the bathroom stall door. Now, it is almost impossible to tell if someone is in there from the outside. And the door lays shut even when unlocked. So I am in the habit of just pushing the door open, and on the rare occasion that it is in use, I just go around to the other one. But who are these people who are not locking public bathroom doors? This is kind of a fear of mine, not really sure why, but I cannot fathom knowingly going to the bathroom in public with an unlocked door. People are weird.

Friday, June 20, 2008

 
right. so. where was I? First, as I mentioned not long ago, Mother Nature is pissed. We just had our second "100 year flood" in the last 10 months. Well, not here in Madison. I mean, we have too much water but we are lucky enough that our city is not underwater. But others, they are not so lucky. There are fires and droughts in California, the midwest (and all our corn) is underwater and it is 100 degrees everywhere else. So, I think maybe global warming is real. I'm just saying.

Last week I escaped the deluge and went back to L.A. the weather actually wasn't as nice and I learned about something called 'June gloom' which means it is kind of foggy and not that warm. Alas. The good news is that it was sunny and beautiful for my friends wedding, held at an amazing spot in Malibu with a lovely view of the ocean. So, you know, if you could afford a house on a cliff with a view, and you didn't have to work or drive on the PCH, maybe living there wouldn't be so bad! We rode a shuttle bus to the wedding with a bunch of the groom's relatives from Chicago. They are a fun bunch, but were literally screaming as the bus climbed a hill to the wedding site. Granted, it was a steep hill and a dirt road, but when people say "we're from the Midwest! we're not used to this!" it makes me cringe, since everyone else seems to think we are country bumpkins. oh well, whatever.

I decided to save a little bit of cash and share a room with a high school friend at a cheapier hotel. Let me say I now remember why I have a tendency not to scrimp on hotels. The problem is, the difference in quality vs. the difference in price is not usually worth it. There really aren't any 'cheap' hotels in Santa Monica. Well, actually this was a motel but it still isn't what I would call cheap. The website featured pictures which I now realize are computer renderings which made the place look nice and, well, it wasn't. It WAS clean, and it was in a good location, but in this case you didn't even really get what you paid for. You got a poorly soundproofed room with absolutely no amenities (unless you are willing to wash your hair with 'European Hair and Body Wash' from a shower dispenser). And some neighbors that decided that it would be a good idea to have a screaming match in the courtyard at 3 a.m. Seriously. There was a lot of door slamming involved and at one point the guy said "I'm outta here!" and I thought 'thank the lord' and then the girl is screaming "Come back here!" and I really thought I might cry if he did. Actually, he did once, and then left again shortly thereafter. Anyway, it was a strange place and it seemed like some old lady lived in one of the rooms, and one other one looked like a dorm room? Honestly, I have no idea. But, the beds were not uncomfortable and the shower was okay, and while I might have appreciated a black-out shade to help me sleep past 6:30am I survived.

Since our lovely rooming establishment did not have hair dryers, I made an appointment to have my hair washed and dried for me. This has to be one of life's great luxuries (and in LA it is for sure a luxury because it will cost you $45). And because it is LA, my stylist was a Mexican man. I am nearly positive that there are no male hairstylists from Acapulco (really! that's where he is from! I asked him if he had even been on the Love Boat) in Wisconsin. Of course, I can't be positive, but I think it's a safe guess.

I saw an old friend of Mr. Lizard's when I was there. He asked me when I was going to move to LA. Again with people that think you surely must be looking for some way out of Wisconsin. And of course why wouldn't you want to move to some over-priced, over-populated, trafficky, smoggy city? With your kids. And no job. And no family nearby. Honestly, people, I am glad if you love it where you live, but stop trying to convince me it is better than where I live! At least not until you come visit. (In the summer.) I don't try to convince you to move to Wisconsin, and the least you can do is stop assuming that if I only had a choice I would instantly move to Southern California. Because I do have a choice, and I wouldn't. I also find it irritating that it would never, ever occur to any of our friends to come visit us here. Literally, my friend's husband says to her "If we go to Milwaukee to see my friends we should hook up with these guys!" and she looks at him and right in front of me says "Why would we go to Wisconsin?" Um...thanks. I mean, I knew the adoring masses wouldn't be pounding down our doors when we decided to move here, but I did not think that it would be absolutely unfathomable to everyone we know (including our family until Baby Lizard came along) to come visit us. Really: it's nice here. (In the summer.) And until you are willing to haul your ass out here and see for yourself, stop judging. Sorry. Apparently I was more upset about that than I realized. I just need to stop going to LA. And, now I will. Twice in two months is enough for me.

On my return trip I was looking forward to enjoying my diet coke and a magazine (and the thrill of traveling without a two year old on my lap) and I arrived at my seat to find...a two year old sitting in it. Was this some cruel joke? Actually, he was 3 years old, and to his credit he was very well behaved, and was lulled to sleep by some video. [Note: if you travel with a small child and do not have a portable dvd player, get ye to a big box store and buy one toute de suite. You will not regret the purchase.] Interestingly, the people in front of me, and behind me, all had kids most of whom were very well behaved. Including the little guy in front of me who barely made a peep despite the fact that his parents did not do one single thing to entertain him for the duration of our FOUR HOUR flight. Well, he got a pack of oreos at the beginning, one tiny tractor to play with, and other than that his mother sat there reading magazines and his dad looked out the window. The whole time. I found it astounding and baffling and kind of disturbing. Because if you are willing to allow your child to be bored for an entire flight, and they put up with it, that means you ignore your kid a LOT. Jeez, I had half a mind to let him come sit in my seat and watch movies with the other kid. But, let's face it: I had magazines and diet coke to attend to, and unlike this other mom I only get to do that when I leave my kid at home. Sheesh.

And now it is time to go enjoy the beautiful Wisconsin summer. The water is receding, the mosquitos haven't hatched yet, and there are no tornadoes in the forecast. Why on earth aren't you on the first plane out here people? We will get the beer and ice cream ready. And all seven of you are more than welcome at Chez Lizard. It is very reasonably priced, and the neighbors (that's me) are lovely.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

 

here kitty kitty

someone in my neighborhood posted a sign about a lost pet. A common enough occurrence, but this pet is a bird. Some kind of fancy African parrot. Um...how exactly are we supposed to catch said parrot and bring it back? I wish I knew because they are offering a $200 reward. I bet all the birdwatchers in the neighborhood are on the lookout big time. Anyway, while I suppose a parrot would stick out in a neighborhood full of robins and cardinals, it's a bird. We aren't going to see it walking through someone's yard or begging for food on someone's porch. Who knows, maybe it is trying to fly back to Africa as we speak. Anyway, I feel that the chances of finding this lost bird are very slim. We had a pet bird get away once and truthfully it never even really occurred to us to look for him. I imagine he died while endlessly flying around looking for a tiny dish of seeds with a festive mirror attached.

A while back some neighbors lost their cat. They called in a pet psychic to find out where it was. Then they asked our friends if they could search their house, because the psychic had said something about a red house. The strange part is that our friends' house isn't even red. It just has red trim, which means those people were desperate. Though, I guess we could have guessed that from the pet psychic. People are weird.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

 

not a word I like to use

Here at work there is this kind of skeevy maintenance man. You know the type: he's super friendly, chats up all the ladies, and something about him kind of makes you want to take a shower. Anyway, he used to come around and talk to me all the time which was unfortunate. Now I rarely see him, but he stops by every once in a while. Last summer he came in asking me to go get ice cream with him. I said "I can't". He said, "You can't, or you don't want to?" Um...isn't asking that against the rules? Obviously if you are asking you know that I can and I just don't want to, so by asking that question you are either making me admit that I don't want to get ice cream with you, which is awkward for everyone, or forcing me to lie more strenuously which, of course, is exactly what I did.

Anyway, he stopped by yesterday. Yippee. He said he was walking out of the building next door and a bat flew right at him. (It's funny, until I just typed that it didn't seem completely bizarre. Just another sign of the shambles my life has become.) Anyway, discussing bats led to a discussion of wildlife which led him to tell me about this tame squirrel that used to hang around his house. It would eat peanuts out of his mouth. Mmmmhmmmm. I challenge you to find an engaging response to that. And then he says "Yeah he used to even eat..." (peers conspiratorially out the door) now whispering "those nigger toes. What do you call them things?" Holy hell at this point I am dumbfounded. I have no idea what nigger toes are and I certainly do not wish this word to be used in my office. I regretfully inform him I haven't the foggiest idea what he's talking about. He says "You know, in the mixed nuts? the big ones? Nigger toes." "Brazil nuts?" I ask totally half heartedly really wishing the fire alarm would go off. No, that's not it apparently. OI. I am from Virginia and so one would think I might be familiar with such slang but I am pleased to report that I am not. Interesting, when I recounted this story to Mr. Lizard he looks at me and says "oh, brazil nuts. isn't that awful? I can't believe people still call them that." What, is this some sort of weird Midwestern thing? Like grape jelly and shrimp sauce on your meatballs? Jeepers. I am just here to say that if you happen to use that most distasteful term for brazil nuts, please do not do it anymore. Please.

mom of the year
yeah, I'm not winning this year. And that's okay. But I was reading this kind of high end mom magazine that I get and I have decided I should cancel my subscription (which I don't remember getting anyway) because it is bad for my psyche. Not only am I not raising my child toxic free, according to this magazine I should be doing so in designer frocks, carrying my it bag, making my own organic baby food, while volunteering to save the world in my free time. It has this article about three things to do with an ingredient you (allegedly) have laying around. A few months ago it was "So you have some swiss chard." This month it's "So you have an eggplant." Right. Because those are always the things I have laying around my house. And then each recipe calls for ten other things I don't have laying around. For me this should say "So, you have some pasta, a little bit of ketchup, and pickles." Or something like that. And desperation meals are not homemade baba ghanouj. Honestly. The other thing is they are always featuring interior designers who live in totally sick lofts with their two kids and somehow the whole place looks designery and awesome. And then you look at your kid's room and you feel sad. So, I think I will cancel. I don't need to pay for this kind of psychological torment. I get plenty of that for free.

The other day my child was stuck on loop and it was driving me mildly batty because we were in the car and she was so cranky and I just wanted to hit the mute button. And I said "ugh - I could kill her right now" and my husband said "don't say that" which is totally right. I shouldn't say it. But then I started thinking that I am not sure how anyone actually kills their child. I mean, I will give her my last bite of toast even when I am starving and I will play the same game eight billion times and even though sometimes she makes my head hurt I could never ever intentionally do a single mean thing to her ever. But I will admit that it was just a little sad for me the other day when I realized the day had come for me to watch my mouth. When we were training our puppy our trainer said "Say whatever you want to your puppy, just say it in a nice voice." And it was great advice because when you are inevitably about to wring their tiny puppy neck because they peed inside/ate your shoe/ ran away/ etc you can just sweetly say "you little piece of shit you know I could take you right back where you came from!" and as long as you say it nicely they just wag their tail and hope you have snacks. Which you do. And this worked for the baby liz for a while too. You could sing songs like "If I have to change one more diaper I'm gonna lose my mind" or "Nobody knows where the neighbor guy went." But the other day she was doing something that was getting really tiresome and I smiled at her and said "You're making mama cuckoo" and she looked right at me and said "Cuckoo." And now we have to cross yet another dog training trick of the list as 'no longer appropriate for use with human puppy.' sigh. At least the food reward thing still totally works.

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